Keeping Up! Is that all there is?

Seems to me that living everyday with a mindset of keeping up is the same routine as a life  of being and staying in debt with interest. Sometimes we believe we are aware of this interest as if it were all on purpose and as if we’re are aware of the purpose. “Our Future,” “Just as soon as,” “if only I had…..,” (fill in the blank, etc). It’s not. I’m just guessing here, but I’m not so sure I really ever knew what that purpose ever was. It’s always about getting close or hints that I am going in the right direction and all of that mental sorting out. Turns out it’s not even about any rational thinking as I know it to be. I’m always figuring stuff out and it never makes any difference. It’s always the same thing with a different day. The system we live in is about living in debt so it’s natural to want to ‘pay it off,’ as it were. Day after day after day, the same old same old, never moving forward and rarely if ever getting on top of it, getting even It’s no wonder everywhere I look I see people living as robots from project to project, step by step towards some figment of their future that’s always just around the corner. It’s not about that, as it turns out. But mostly fear keeps us from ever questioning our meaningless plight. It’s empty wasted energy that lives on a treadmill of ‘If only I had’ and I’m almost there’ or ‘Why even bother because it is too far beyond me to ever accomplish. In order to see this clearly I first had to stop thinking. I am a thinking machine. I pride myself with my mental process, even believing I do this with scientific probability so I can at least feel good about something I’m doing. The problem then is how to make this lie a motivating force just to continue with the illusion that this must be what it’s all about. It’s not. It’s nothing of the sort. All the really important stuff is hiding just behind my thoughts but thinking about it is always the answer. Figuring out what’s going on by the clues that I can see all around me gives me the false impression that I’m actually witnessing reality. It is sort of a reality as I live day to day always trying to keep up with something. Be it cleaning my house or making a to do list, there’s always more that needs to be done and as long as all I’m doing is keeping up, and just barely at that. I must be thinking that I am supposed be doing what everyone else seems to be doing. But keeping up with what? My bills? My ambition? I have no ambition. That was my mother’s job. My father’s was to make sure she had everything that her ambition dictated. In many ways he was probably way more centered as far as his own sense of who he was. Not being so much of an introspective kind of guy, he woke up everyday and knew what his job was. Not to say this carried over to any other areas of his life but at least he did his part very well. As a Taurus, he was was a very good provider. In fact both are earth signs   and  could always be counted on for having the basics covered They exemplified the skills necessary that food , clothing and shelter required to be successful. So, compared to these role models, I was a complete and ultimate failure in their eyes. The explanation was always that it had to be ‘mental problems.’ So from the time I was 12 years old until many years later, this was ‘my issue’ to learn how to live with. That is, on top of everything else I seemed incapable of doing. The biggest and most important objective was getting me a job. It didn’t matter what the job was as long as it payed. Even if he, my dad, had to hire me himself….and he did. I am  junk man’s daughter and only followed in my daddy’s footsteps by in fact, becoming a professional junkie. But nooo! That wasn’t quite the message I was supposed to be getting. Who knew? I could never get it right. Poor Jim and Annette. They tried, God knows! ‘If only’….. they could find the right person to pay to fix me to be a mench, a regular person! That’s all they wanted! That it took me over 6 (count-em) decades to finally have permission to embrace who I am? I guess I should be grateful I lived long enough!

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Playing House as a Grown Up

The more I do the more that gets done. The more that gets done the more there is to do.’ Is no longer the rule.

New rule: If I want something to get done I have to do it. There is no schedule to get anything done. Unless there are external obligations, ie., appointments, etc. I don’t have to do anything.

How I got her was through a series of breaking down my programing from early on in my life until just very recently. A lot of it, actually all of it, came from my trainers, also known as parents. Up until very very recently I was still hearing my mother in my head telling me to clean up or get a job. I can hear Mr. No. No Matter what the question or request. Turns out many times he just didn’t know so he just said no. What a guy! My whole growing up experience was specialized torment.

“I just moved out of my parents house. I have my own house. Because I’m still a teenager of sorts I have to learn how to live. I mean I never really learned these kinds of skills. Doing other things that were not about domestic habits kept me pretty busy all of the time. Living from day to day was like always being on vacation, that is to say, I stayed with other people in their homes, people I hung around with. It wasn’t just me doing that, everyone was doing that and the other stuff I was doing and in all respects. The only daily routines I had was making sure I wasn’t sick. That there took up all of my time. From the first thought of the day to the last nod whenever that happened to be, my focus was clear.”.

I’m having to realize that I am finally learning how a person lives day to day. Things like how to shop for groceries in a way that isn’t immediate.  Buying the kinds of food that will last and have alternative uses with left-overs, instead of just what I want right now. Having a sense of future beyond the moment at hand. this is new information to me. (Not to say I wasn’t completely cognizant of another dimension that goes on inside of my consciousness all along this journey.) How to have a positive attitude about housekeeping. Doing it because I like how it feels when I’m done and not as ‘just another job I have to do to keep up.’ Having to keep up is accepting that I’m always behind. Can’t stop now I’m almost there! When really there is no such place as ‘there.’ It’s an ideal. An idea that there’s a place we have to be and it’s just around the corner. All we have to do is just keep on keeping on and ‘Walla’!or ‘Eureka’! A moment you are guaranteed yet with an innate sense of the fact you will never really get there. All the thinking and the planning of what it will be like. Lifetimes caught up in this never ending cycle of just trying to keep up and just maybe with a little luck, get ahead. I must imagine what that looks like. I can’t describe it  because I have no idea what it looks like. But all of my life I’ve been operating with the understanding that life is the job of staying in the provided paradigm where the entire motivation to continue is that ‘if I work hard enough at meaningless labor of any sort, be it menial, professional or artistic. Surly it will be noticed and I will be rewarded.’ Even if it’s only a sightly upward position at your job, it’s enough! It’s enough of an idea to establish a reason to be!  So why does it feel so unnatural? To always feel life is a meaningless time consuming exercise in futility because someone’s ideal of the way it is and was always supposed to be, and always will be. It’s just something you have to do.  We may get to decide how we operate within the game to make it more pleasant to endure but personal choice seems to end there.  We unconsciously submit ourselves to a treadmill with degrees of success. Highest score wins! A sense of relief permeates the mind as we bask in the knowledge of being almost there and confident in the knowing that we are truly keeping up and doing it nicely.

This must be why humanity was created. To improve the performance and maintenance in the care taking of our so called Gods, in service to themselves.

species output for the Corporation.

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More about process

Everything is projection. I know that and I still somehow think I get to choose which is or not and I forget all the time. Not only do I not get to choose what is mine or not, I forget it’s all on purpose all the time. An example: Lately it’s been about my new neighbors. Having to figure them out has been my current mindset. I want to know why neither of them ever keep their word? They are alcoholics for all intent and purposes. They drink and function. He drinks and goes to work everyday. In AA they call that denial. They believe because they can keep a job and still function, albeit minimally, they are in control.  So, I know this. I’ve been watching and listening. It’s not a secret. They’re both really nice and caring humans. She has two beautiful kids and I believe they are special, more so the girl. she’s a very independent spirit. He is a whiny kid that sees everything as unfair. He’s right, it is. It’s when a person takes it personally that it’s a problem. When you think it’s all about you, you keep looking to see why and what you’re doing wrong. It’s time consuming and obsessive and taints everything else in life. Mom is stuck in self pity stuff like death and general past life issues that keep her under the influence of something. A lot of psychic pain that’s difficult to wade through. So she drinks now and it seems like an improvement over her history. But it’s not so different than me taking pain pills and believing I’m not an addict anymore. This is where the important part is…… I am always using my own life as a template of sorts to compare with. The deal is that I don’t need to be comparing because it’s always my stuff. But to get it, you have to own it and to own it means that it’s always about me and has little of nothing to do with who I see it on. That is the deal !This is what I keep forgetting…. at least until way later hen I’m looking at this kind of stuff. When I take reviews of days and things that happened there’s always something I miss, if not many things. When I’m focused on something time stops and I’m in it. It’s what experience is. It’s the moments that accumulate into years and become my history. Life experience is what brings me along the way. But there are two separate realities going on. One is here in 3D where all the responsibilities of life go on. The other is about the path, the journey. The place to chart the course that I have chosen to navigate through. The space to sort it all and figure out what the lessons are. Since I can’t be in two places at once, when I’m in a reactive state of survival I’m not thinking in terms of projection and mirroring of my behavior or insight. I’m too busy being there and responding to circumstance. When I am being involved in life stuff is when I always forget that what I’m experiencing is my own reflection. This I don’t notice for days sometimes. Then after using my handy shortcut to shift into higher thinking, the blessed herb from heaven, I remember! When I remember I’m able to take ownership and get it. So maybe it’s not so much about forgetting as it is about not being in two places at once? I like that better, it’s not so judgemental. What is interesting about this is that many of the things I’m seeing as Melissa’s issues I thought I had resolved. So as I recall another hint along the way that is about noticing behavior. Because it is still working its way through but hasn’t completely been resolved yet. Oh, I see. It makes sense. I remember that one from a long time ago. In fact, it’s one of my earliest gets. That and about being responsible for what you know. I’m still not 100% sure how you do that but I am sure it’s true.

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‘Divinely ordered construction.’ Sacred geometry. Fibonacci. The core of reality(!)

The nitty gritty of 3 dimensional life.

Everything we see in a physical state is a reduction of sound vibration causing natural geometry to take shape.

Then our perception of what it is begins to evolve into what looks like reality.

But compared to what?

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The obvious

Everything I see in everyone is me!
I can always view my personal progress by how I’m seeing others, especially those I dwell on!
All my stuff is everywhere I look and if I’m seeing someone’s problems I rarely see anyone’s but my own.
I hate when that happens! It always happens!
I suppose I should be grateful that I have this opportunity to get this inside information even though I’m not always so willing to accept it and deal with it, at least I have that choice.
Not. That’s a lie. I don’t get to choose. It doesn’t go away until I take some sort of action.
That’s where the real test is. How willing I am to go there!
Sometimes I am and sometimes, not so much.
I can always tell by my intolerance of certain characteristics of those I’m around at that particular time.
That’s when and where it always shows up. It’s always ‘them’ in the beginning.
It takes a minute or two for me to get that I’m seeing my own stuff.
Not always a pretty picture when I’m looking through my own judgemental eyes.
I can be brutal in my stringent analysis of the state of reality in the world.
I have radical extreme presumptions about almost anything I take on and even worse, I rarely lighten up.
I can be brutal in my analysis of the world!

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Now I get it!

Our expanding consciousness is the return of the Christ through our higher selves not through any one person. The battle of the ‘end times’ is between our past and our future!

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Yesterday, I was walking the dogs and on my way back Noodles decided she wanted to cross the highway! I was struck with helplessness as I watched her and screamed her name as she continued to cross. # cars had to skid to stop and the smell of burnt rubber was instant. They stopped in time and then continued on their way as I stood there in the street still in shock and aware of what just might have happened.
It occurred to me that there was an important lesson here that I needed to heed.

As I was walking back I noticed my thoughts. I was focusing on how I don’t use a leash and then I noticed how it turned into some sort of ego thing about how special that is or I am. Just that quickly my dog walked onto the highway! The message I’m getting has everything to do with my state of mind. As soon as my conscience turned inward and became my ego I lost control of my dog and she wandered off onto the highway were I was watching in terror as the cars came skidding to a halt and the smell of burnt rubber was everywhere ! It was over in seconds and I realized how quickly it happened and how I might have lost my sweet little Noodles in just an instant! It could have be a very costly message, for sure!

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