I just saw the benefit of being in the moment and it’s so totally obvious but I never noticed before. That actually happens not just a lot but all the time. It looks like that is the program. Seems just a subtle thought, a hint of an idea is all it takes sometimes. If I take the time to focus in on one of those moments I do notice some very profound and totally obvious things that go on all the time. But they go on right bye me without notice. This one is about what I’ve been talking about lately, so it happens. I’m not so sure that’s always the case but it is this time. Frankly, for all I know it may very well be the case, I’ve never noticed before. Okay, enough about it and how it works. When I’m in the moment I’m not in any mental drama. I’m not having a conversation about what I think is going on. When that happens that’s where my attention is, in my imagination crating that story. On the contrary, being in the moment means I can’t be in two places at once. So if I’m noticing my now I can’t be tripping in my drama. Another thing. It’s about making lists and planning or rather organizing my time to accomplish whatever tasks there may be to get done. This may even be bigger! About the tasks. They take on supreme importance. In fact, they take on the exact proportion of importance that I notice I’m giving to my dilemma about always having to be doing something, thank you my mother. It’s the same stuff that goes on when I’m making a list. Hard to explain but it’s more like feeling momentary obligation as in taking responsibility. It’s very serious and I tend to dwell on either doing it or why I’m not doing it. All the time I’m spending occupied between my ears in this drama called ‘a to do list’. then include my mother in my ear reminding me to be doing something. The result turns out to be immobility and nothing gets done. Not only that moment but many moments have been utilized to wind up having done nothig. I can then use this opportunity to have a guilty conscience, if I’d like. It’s all to the same end. I waste time in my mind with stuff that doesn’t matter but it gives me a reason to never feel complete. On the other hand, when I’m not doing any of that I find myself in the present time and being able to notice what’s going on around me. These are not the same places. This is day and night and moreover it is the keys to the kingdom! Not a small thing here. In fact, this is huge. The secret is to not be thinking. I have to keep remembering that. It doesn’t seem like it would be so difficult but it is. I’m a cerebral human and I spend a lot of time in that theater. the benefit can only be realized when I forget to think about it. Go figure!
Wow! I didn’t know how good it can get. How very real it all is. I mean the part about making intention reality. It’s quite mind blowing to see it actually manifesting right in front of my face. I’m not kidding, this is some incredible stuff that’s going on right now. At first I was thinking it was just me, ya know, I guess it was an ego thing, I thought I was special. Not to say I’m not an independent being because I most certainly am but that all my life has been about being in training for now. That’s what I’m talking about. It is incredible! Or did I already say that? Can’t help it. this is all my personal intimate beliefs about life that I always had to keep to myself. The looks I got whenever I expressed my views about significant things. Being accused of being way too serious. To me, I was being thoughtful and yes, I was taking life on its face. I never liked that face, it never worked for me. My family was always there to remind me that the whole world can’t be wrong and me be right. I heard that a lot. Still, it was true that no matter how much everyone tried to goad and guilt me into subscribing to their way of life it never impressed me as anything I was interested in. The one thing that stood out for me was the greetings I always got when I showed up at a family function or a dysfunctional gathering of the tribe. No one ever said, ” Hay, how ya doing?” No, instead it was, “Hi, are you working?” When I say this always happened I am not kidding. It is no joke that that’s how they all saw me. I guess it didn’t even matter what I had to say, I wasn’t on the list of preferred invites but more obligates of some distant definition of what these occasions were supposed to represent once in the very ancient past. But I’m only guessing, at this point, if there was any purpose for the moment that wasn’t obligatory in some respect. But I digress. Today I am experiencing a way different reality. I’ve been practicing to not think (all the time) and the difference is notable to say the very least. It feels like 180% difference that shows up when I am in a state of gratefulness. I get that feeling that lets me know I am resonating big time in the space and it can keep expanding until its more than I can take . Imagine that ! Too much joy to behold in only one person. Yea, that stuff. Yowza kinda swirling of energy almost being dizzy. There’s really no way to define how it feels except to say that it is very close to that feeling in my gut when I am in love. That feeling. It is so good and so real and you know it’s true. I’m having a lot of that going on lately, it’s everywhere I turn. Everything fits and I have the part if it’s missing that completes what ever it happens to be. Can a person even imagine their life taking so radical a turn in a direction you have been actually consciously been preparing your whole life for and then here it is? It just flat showed up! BAM! I am in awe. My face cannot help but pull itself bach towards my ears and put this stupid happy grin on it. I don’t even want to try and stop it, it’s too good. It’s so whole and complete all at once. It is a the story of ‘The Pearl’, Judie Sill, and I always knew it was in that song that the truth really was. I just never knew it the way I know it now.
They say depression is anger turned inward. I was depressed for decades but never experienced overt anger. Probably as a good candidate for an ulcer. Okay, so then and after spending quite a bit of time focused on employing a mental shovel, I experienced having an angry side of my personality. I guess it was more like a release of all that pressure that was building within a reservoir created to house all the inward anger I’d been holding on to. So for awhile now I’ve been known to sort of pop off when I get mad about something. Sometimes I even yell and don’t even think about who’s attention I provoke. It’s very spontaneous and is over sometimes before i even realize what I’ve just done. ie., Whoops! I hope I didn’t say something I’m going to be sorry for because it’s already too late. The cat she is out of the bag. Moving right along…..I am now at the threshhold of a new condition or circumstance. Actually, not so much a new way to respond but without anger. A much more thoughtful process of gratefulness. I still stumble past resistance, out of habit, but I can now roll right through it and just notice it’s there without having to stop and get reactivated into old behavior. This new one is very cool. I like it a lot. It doesn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t create any karma. It is kinda about whatever comes up just go with it and assume if it’s negative it is probably fear based and a part of a persons immediate reality. That’s it and that’s all. Slide right over the ‘stuff’ and right into the moment and without the drama. It’s really very cool.
A woman’s band in New York. I had met them and was hanging out being a pretend roadie. Really I was more like a groupie free labor trick. But I loved hanging with people who were good at what they did and i got to play now and then when no one was around. I really thought I was better than I really was. Not that I never was. But it was a long time ago and only in my mind did it seem like just last year, or so. It turn s out that it was one of those if onlys’ that are pure mental exercise at best. the thing is this: Seems like just another example of looking back and seeing something in a different light. More like watching a replay and seeing what really was going on from a perspective of history. I think I’m cool. I thought I was cool way back then if not even cooler than I am now. Turns out maybe not so much. I’m seeing me in a new way here. I’m trying to understand why there is such a contrast between myself and the rest of the world? No joke. I’ve had very few friends in my whole life, maybe two, one for sure and I think I even made her nuts sometimes. I’ve had friends that I love dearly still but they passed on to another place when they were very young. I used to say that if they only would’ve hung out a little longer it would have gotten better. It was the 80’s and everybody wanted to be cool, even the parents were smoking pot. It was better but it was plastic. Better plastic kept the shine longer but, as always, didn’t last. But I digress. In New York where I was being a roadie I used to go up to the bandstand during the breaks and play along with the house music in whatever drum happen to be there. I know. It sounds crazy now and more than likely did then to everyone else. But Nooo! I was cool and so I guess I must have thought it was an okay thing to do. Well, now that I am looking back I can see why I wasn’t all that popular. I always put it off to that I was high and wanted to do it. So I did. What I’m talking about here is that I can see by what I do that puts people off. I can’t seem to see it at the time so It’s basically still a problem. there’s a reason no one likes me.I’m trying to figure it out. As long as I don’t take myself too seriously I think I’ll be alright. I mean it’s not likely that something is going tom set me off on a binge of self destruction as I’ve been known to do in the past. But that was then and thins is now and if ever there as something to be grateful for, it doesn’t get any better!
So the way it looks is that in order to survive this reality and remember my purpose, I needed very tough training and I couldn’t have picked a better cast for my family drama.
It was perfect. Mom and Dad, Capricorn and Taurus. They would exemplify the basic structure of tangible existence.. Food, clothing and shelter. My sibling, a relatively normal type, was everybody else I would be up against in this life… My opposition . My Indigo being vs. humanity.
I never had those thoughts about my future very seriously. I never filled out that question on any forms in school. Every year the same forms with the same questions and every year I left it blank. So guess what? Now that I am in my future there is nothing here. That’s not true, there’s a lot here at least in my view. I am rich with experience and thoughtfulness. I have invested in my thinking process and beginning to learn to become aware of y deeper purpose and if I’ve even come close to it……Assuming I even knew what that is. I never had a goal. I trusted in time and the unknown to lead the way. I’m not sure if I took those clues or not and still I have lived a life full of different occasions where I always just faced them head on. I didn’t have any problems with expectations unless it had to do with people so I always had a certain sense of freedom. I do have issues still unresolved about people. Other humans and I are more often closer to oil and vinegar than any permeable substance. I somehow always push them away just by saying words, I guess. I really do not know anyone that I can call a friend. I don’t know anyone I even like at least out of the ones I do know. That’s another story. I don’t know anyone except the ones that were part of another life. So that is a problem right there…..But being so isolated where I live and blowing it with my neighbors years ago when I tried to sell them some dog breath stuff because I was so desperate. they got afraid and not so friendly after that. That’s a good example of how I seem to push people away. I always see more there than is actually there. I’d like to think I am right about them but they are surrounded with fear of no identity.
Another newsflash! First, I got that my job was to embrace who I am and live my life out of this context. I can see how it can take many lifetimes to realize the benefits of my personal journey over time. Then I imagined the effect of many having this same information and the possibilities of that. It was much more encouraging. Then I wondered about some of the ways I can use to utilize the model, like what to do to make it real? It’s almost as bad as the ‘what’s my job’ question.Somehow the computer is involved. Probably because it’s what I do day after day after day. As long as I have a tool I need to maximize its potential in assisting with my purpose. What does that mean? I’m only guessing because there is really no way to be sure about any of this. Trusting my inner knowing, I proceed into the unknowing fringes of possible and other realities. My focus on line is You Tube, I use the comment genre as a tool to drop consciousness bombs. At first I was like many of the commenters and was very judgmental and not very nice. Then as time went by and I began to notice that my own comments had been more a viewpoint than a judgement and were much friendlier, less hostile. Now they have evolved into something like a teaching. Not to say this to stroke my ego but rather just to define my own personal progress by their substance. It wasn’t until today,July 9th, 2017, that I noticed what I had been doing. Until today I was still wondering how I was going to pull this whole job thing off. I had no clue I had been creating this avenue without even knowing. That happens a lot. Seems I have a constant stream of old tape running 24/7 in a corner of my mind and it always reminds me that I should be doing something ‘meaningful’ rather than sitting here trying to figure all this out. At the same time I can never figure out exactly what it is I should be doing. I have a certain value judgement (my mother) that is telling me these sessions I have with myself are just wasting precious time. I could be cleaning something instead of just sitting. It’s constant but I’m finally aware of it and turning down the volume. It’s always there. I am programmed to value the mundane over the profound. It is social engineering and acceptable. What I do is not any of that so it is automatically in the ‘wrong’ file. I have lived my whole life out of the wrong file according to my tribe and most other humans I have encountered along the way. It’s only been in the last decade that I’ve been able to get all this and have the opportunity to re evaluate so many things that I’ve not understood for a very long time. Lately I’ve had the grace of time to explore am secrets and answer some of the questions that I’ve been asking for my whole lifetime. It’s been some journey and done I wouldn’t have changed for any amount of money or anything else. I came into this existence with my eyes wide open and trusting my direction was pure and purposeful. While never knowing from minute to minute what that may be, I never questioned it and never even wondered why. It looks like I’m close to the exits at this point and I am looking forward to the completion of this initiation. Hopefully, I won’t need to go back to summer school this time. Then again reruns always notice what is missed the first time around. Everything is on purpose.