The Subtlty of Chicken Soup

In fact, I’ve always just accepted the notion that the major influence in my life was the father figure or lack thereof. It was all the usual stuff about not being there emotionally and rejection and blame. I’m not sure who I thought he was supposed to be but pretty sure he wasn’t who I wanted him to be. Anyway, that was just the way it always was. I didn’t like him after a while. Maybe I just turned all the hurt into anger and blame. That sounds more like it. They say that ‘depression is anger turned inward.’ I don’t think I really understood what that meant until now. That happens a lot. I hold on to random information just like I collect stuff for repairing something along the way. Like a junk drawer with tools and a purpose. At least I like to think so. For me, it brings a deeper level of involvement with substance and creativity….But I digress. It turns out my mother may have had more of an influence on my inner regulations than I’d considered before. I’d known there was stuff but once again, my thinking was fairly academic and I’d assumed it was easily explained by standard psychological terms. Maybe not so much. A good example would be he time I take to write. I automatically and always wonder what I could or should be doing instead. As if I were only wasting or killing time and avoiding the inevitable ‘whatever it is’ that I’m should to be doing that actually has value. Not to say I don’t believe it doesn’t have huge value to me personally. But there is the problem, my self worth and those kinds of issues. I find that I’m always comparing what I’m doing to something like cleaning and other domestic chores that somehow I have placed above all else in priorities and worse, stuff I don’t even care about. Go figure? There’s this old 8 track running in the background having this conversation with my subconscious and making sure I have no peace of mind. Then again maybe it’s because I’m not talking about peace of mind but rather the reasons I struggle with it? This, of course, assumes there are no coincidences and so it has to be on and of purpose. Then I have to discover the purpose. There’s never time for peace of mind, I’m always being busy using it. Reminds me of when I’m running my virus cleaner while still surfing the web.

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