Still in process

Ok. The bottom line on the subject of ‘being in the moment’. In this version I am attempting to recover a sense of purpose in the moment. The moment was way back in the day when everything was with purpose. Not to say today isn’t but it’s very different than when I was way younger and my future never got in the way of my present. Being in the moment, that is to say without being in any current drama distractions, was a no brainer. It was all there was. Today is a different story. Who knew time would become an issue? I never thought I was wasting my time no matter what I was doing. There was and is, I believe, a reason for everything and yes, I do take everything seriously. I always have and more than likely always will. I told someone that I don’t lighten up. It’s the truth I’m afraid. It’s just what I do and who I am. It’s why I keep having to remind myself to stop thinking. I am very creative and tend to make up episodes of drama from all the evidence I think I’m seeing. Roughly 9 out of 10 times I am wrong about this. However, knowing I’m always wrong doesn’t seem to hinder this habit I’ve developed. It’s possible it has come about in the absence of any external input. Or, in other words, I have no one to talk to so I play all the parts in my imagination. I’m sure it’s why I keep comming up with basically the same scenarios all the time. I wouldn’t exactly say I was a total paranoid because I’m not but I am creative and do magnify little things that can change the whole picture or the dynamice of any situation. Simply by emphasizing another aspect can do this. In a way it becomes an excersize in critical thinking. It’s probably a good thing but without the absolute sureness I tend to feel. What is also kind of strange is that even after I realize I’ve made something up, I’m not even surprized about it anymore. But, once again, I digress……
Back to what I thought I was going to discuss…….Boils down to the part about being in the now moment. I am in the process of becomming aware of my state of mind whenever I’m just sitting and thinking or writing like this. My thinkng seems to dwell on an old tape that runs in my background saying, “Do something!” The automatic presumption here is that it doesn’t appear as if I am utilizing my time in any sort of productive manner. Or, whatever thoughts I may be thinking can surly wait untill after I’m done doing something acceptible like cleaning something. Thinking is not valid. Only doing counts. Mostly I’d agree with that. My dilemma is about remembering what it felt like to have a good time without a guilty conscience. That’s it and that’s all! But noooo! Not with a person who has a brain that doesn’t turn off or come up for air. My brain is like that. I’m always looking for a ‘deeper’ meaning and wind up in an argument (with and without myself) because I think I’m always right. Unless it can be proven to me otherwise, that is. At least I am willing to compromise if necessary. But for today, my task is to experience this day with purpose and the light of openess and acceptance. Grateful for my realty as sit in the now, having always whatever I should find myself in need of and so much more than I can ever utilize in the short time I have been given to have this experience called ‘life’.There are so many different aspects of just one event that I’m quite sure I miss most of. Even when I focus on the day and the experience of it, I’m sure I miss the most obvious messages and lessons. I’m thinking this is because I am always so focused on the parts I do get that I usually forget the other stuff. I forget a lot! Not so sure why unless it’s a way to not deal with something or…..I get to use the ‘old age memory’ excuse E.ither way it goes without notice until the next opportunity to get it. At his point it becaomes more about drawing it out from the darkness of a black hole that is yesterday and recalling the event that was the reason for the response in the first place. Also for the record, it’s worth noting here that I no longer have any idea what I’m talking about.
This is the real story of my life. A lot of inside information but without any beginning or ending…….Just that constant sate of downloading and translating into a workable dialogue with my consciousness. The rewards are comensurate with the price I am willing to pay. I have a huge tolerance for debt and very little value in exemplary credit. None of it makes a big difference in my life. I have no monetary value. It is impossible to know the true cost of maintaining this status but I can tell you, it wasn’t always the easiest way to go.  It required a certain amount of integrity that looks just like lack of motivation. It looked like I was just lazy and without any purpose when I had a true purpoe that was so much more valuable. still, it is a combined quatity of only what goes on behind my eyeballs and has very little value at all to anyone else.

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