A New Old Idea

Remembering to not think is the first thing. tthen remembering so many other things just to get going. Maybe not. Maybe if I just stay in a particular state of mind…..right. I’m going to remember that? Ok. There has to be something I can do to keep from slipping into my reality drama every chance I get. This living consciously stuff can be more difficult than I’d first imagined. It’s actually work. (I laughl) I may even be slightly hysterical in a covert sort of way. When I do the things I’m supposed to do and not play retro in my mental time machine 8 track, it’s always worth the price of the ticket, no question. But when I don’t even notice I’m paying it forward, then it is not only work but blind effort without any conscious purpose at that moment. It’s back to zero. page one, as my 8th grade educated father always reminded me. So now, 500 years later everytime I see a part 2 or higher, my first instinct is to find part 1 before I go any further.
Once again, I digress. Today I want to talk about remembering something else. It turns out everything is already going on and all I have to do is tune into the right frequency to catch a wave and ride out the day. Not as easy as it may seem on a day without any swells. So, that’s the challenge, having enough patience to wait for it.
I’ve been writing about how I think my mother is still in my ear and what’s up with that? I realized that everything is about my state of mind. I know, “No Duh!” But this one is different somehow. This one reminds me of being carefree, not stuck in the daily rituals of survival in an obligatory way. Like I should be cleaning instead of writing kind of stuff. This one has been an issue for some time and I realized only yesterday that as long as I have the same thoughts I’m going to feel the same way. So I’m changing my thoughts about something to see if that works and makes a difference. Sorry Mom, But we have different definitions of this and for myself, well it just doesn’t work for me. I remember back in the day, Toluca Lake, that was the bomb! I remember the bomb happening and it was a whole different deal. We were young and having fun. That’s the parts that are missing. There’s not a lot I can do about the young part but I can change my experience from what it is now which is in the total bummer range to an acceptible and functional state. Back then we played music all the time and I’m sure that was a factor but still, it is about a state of mind and every day I have the opportuity to make those necessary adjustments. The idea is to enjoy my life and have fun doing it. When you’re young you don’t have to think about it it just comes naturally. But in later years it may be something I have to choose on a daily basis. For many years I’ve lived out of a defensive posture as a result of the way I supported my heroin addiction. I never knew if someone might come up from behind me and try to whack my head off. It’s happened before and does get a persons attention.. these days that’s not the case. In fact if anyting life is quite the opposite. No one comes from any direction to do anything. I am almost totally isolated. If not for the fact that there’s a walking path behind my house, chances are I wouldn’t see another human for weeks at a time. At least now I can yell for help and someone will hear.

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