First a little about me……

Then I’m going to tell you about yourself:

I guess it’s not rocket science that I knew the first thing you would say is that you didn’t have time for this kind of thing. I already knew that was coming. As far as I can tell, no one has time for this kind of stuff…..Or at the very least, choose not to take the time to go here. At he same time there isn’t much about life that is more important as far as I can tell. But isn’t that just the way it always is? It’s much more comfortable to dwell in places that are controllable at the physical level. What is interesting is that to be having this as a verbal conversation it seems to me it would probably be centered around all the training and experience people have had about all the unseen realms and how much they are in touch with the invisible aspects of their lives. Stuff like knowing your motives or sensing the phone is going to ring.
In a way, what we don’t wish to take the time for is usually the most important and intimate parts of our lives, most would rather not spend that much time reliving. It can look like judgments and negative thinking. …As you said in your last email, simply because it feels as if you may have been caught off guard and the walls come up on auto-pilot just in case. I think that’s a normal response for someone not willing to take time to investigate what doesn’t look like makes any difference.
You said you have it covered by your belief system, right? Although it has nothing at all to do with belief systems or religion or any other human created dogma. It is it’s own topic and has only to do with who you are and what you do in the eyes of your highest self, whatever you choose to call it.
It sounds to me like someone standing on the shores of a huge beautiful body of water, knowing that if you would only wade out to a deeper level you will find the fountain of youth or the cure for all human discomfort. But that may be risky if you can’t swim. Better not chance it. Better just hang in there with what you know, so far so good, right?
Life can’t go on forever anyway, what’s a few more years one way or the other as long as my security remains in tact.
If only that was the most valuable thing we had then it wouldn’t be a problem and for most it isn’t. Most don’t either have the time or choose to take the time.
I can only say that if my life was valued by monetary accomplishments at least it would look good. If only this was just about looking good.
It’s curious to me what goes on in someones mind at the last moment of life. Do they say to themselves that it was a good life and my bank account confirms that? Or might they wonder if any of that really mattered at their moment of departure? And if so, what really would be important at that very time? I don’t think it’s about material wealth. I don’t really know either. I have been very close but it was never my intention to find out.
In the last few years I’ve done quite a bit of wondering, as I get closer to the finish line.
I’m sure of at least one thing, I don’t want to have the conversation at the last go round that is all about everything I should have been working on but missed and now have to do this all over again! No! I do not want to go there or rather come here all over again to the same old same old I’ve had to suffer through for so many years. I had too many majors for one term. Having finally passed and graduated, it’s time to refocus and look towards the next step, and I am very much looking forward to this new reality of being.
It’s not so much that I’m complaining but how many times does a person have to go to summer school before they can finally complete their initiation and receive a lousy piece of paper signed by some over fed self serving capitalist who controls the futures of whole generations in his fat little fingers of whatever hand holds the writing utensil or the rubber stamp of completion. Que Vida! (What a life).
Anyway, since most people think I’m oh, let’s just call it a little strange, and the fact that I’m not nor have ever been very socially gregarious, it’s not so easy for me to make friends so almost everyone I know is from my past. They don’t seem to care for me so much either. I finally figured out that it”s not about acknowledging even more of the many aspects of who we are but the fact that I’m no longer willing to settle for that system, or being that same person. Doesn’t work for me anymore than pretending these are just regular people with issues beyond their own control. But finding new humans? Going places I don’t like to go because that’s where they are? Another big nothing burger.
The bottom line is I stay very much to myself so I have a lot of time to spend in the cerebral theater doing dress rehearsals.
All the time people spend being successful in 3D was never a part of my daily life so in a way I’ve had the advantage that most do not to explore these kinds of subjects that determine quality of life situations that operate beneath the radar and are mostly invisible. Some would say it’s a waste of time if no one can see it but that is the whole point, isn’t it? If I had to wait for approval to give myself permission to be who I was……I’d still be waiting. I know because I waited for a very long time. It never happened. I was the only one left to take ownership of me. I now am the very proud possessor of my very own human pink slip affirming this status of self admission.
And if I was waiting for any acknowledgment from anyone I am related to, I would also still be waiting.So it’s a good thing I stopped waiting, wouldn’t you say so?
I could go into a whole segment on how dysfunctional families deal with their own inadequacies by always having at least one of them, if not more, bear the entire weight of a whole family’s secret failings. You never met ‘Poor Bobby’ but he was my mother’s youngest brother who died younger than anyone else. Whenever anyone talked about him they always referred to poor Bobby. I’ve seen pictures of him pushing me around in a baby carriage in Chicago.He was kind of a nerdy 13 year old then. Poor Bobby had a hard road. All of his brothers had some sort of success but he just couldn’t compete. He was the closest in age to Sy or rather the ego walking around in a skin suit that looks like Sy.(and the silent spouse). As long as he compared himself to anyone else he would only reinforce his own shortcomings and would never overcome himself. Poor Bobby. I always liked him but he was not easy to get close to. Fear can be debilitating and insidious.
Unfortunately, you have been absorbed. It looks to me as if you have sacrificed your own identity to become the person you are now. Even in the very brief comments you write it’s as if it were from my sister. It’s hard to find a line of departure between you two. Maybe that is how it always happens with marriage, I don’t have a clue. I do know when a person looses their identity even if they don’t know that themselves. I’ve watched you become Jackie’s husband but not a version of an older Andy. Again, no clue if that always happens. I don’t even think most people notice when it does. It’s very subtle and is acquired behavior over a period of time. It doesn’t just suddenly happen but since I haven’t seen anyone I’m related to in way over 40 years, it’s obvious to me you are not the guy I used to know. Instead, now Jackie is a supersize version of herself having absorbed all in her wake. She has even brought along her childhood associates to cling to for the necessary support one would need to maintain this facade.
I suppose it’s not unusual for someones wife or husband to be defensive when they perceive their partner is being attacked or insulted but just to be clear, I get to have my own opinion about who I think she is. You can identify as her or in her behalf if you need to but this is more about a sibling thing than about you as her mate.
When we were kids at Roosevelt Park in Chicago, we were riding on the merry go round, the kind with the brass ring. Every time I got close I couldn’t reach the ring but it was great fun anyway. That is until my ever so sensitive and comforting sister laughed at me as she was telling me that my horse was stationary and never moved. She was telling me what a fool I was and how stupid could I be to not even notice.
I don’t know why I always remember that whenever I think about her? But I do remember saying to myself that this person was going to ruin my life. I knew that then as well as I knew my father would never be there for me either. Funny how life turns out.
I’m not blaming Jackie that I had problems but I can say that I could never count on her for any support growing up and actually except for some cash that turned out to be true. I won’t even go to the facts about my mother’s death and all that includes.
You seem to be angry with everything I say and do as if you were my sister. That’s what I’m talking about. You’ve been absorbed. You can’t even acknowledge that as a separate and different human being, you can’t possibly be anything other than whatever Jackie’s opinion is. To pretend I owe her anything is an insult. I would have never even considered withholding someones mother’s death from them just for spite. Or the fact that I had to practically beg for the lousy $5000 and even that took almost two years as somehow you could only spare it in payments.
It doesn’t even matter to any of you if I live or die as long as you all have it all. You all bitch and moan about a persons problems inferring that all that’s needed is to clean up their act except that’s a lie too. All that’s needed is for you all to continue stroking yourselves about what wonderful people you are and fuck the rest of em! As long as we have ours, as long as you have as much as you can get away with.
Then you have your version of God as a back up, just in case the word gets out who you both really are. A couple of empty skin suits inflated by your own hot air and false sense of what a human is supposed to be. You have the unmitigated gall to think you are so fucking superior when in fact you are judgemental synthetic failures, blinded by the glare of green paper.

I’d like to close with this last thought: I’ve attempted to have some level of communication with you. I’ve been as polite as I can be considering the above. But you cannot resist the temptation to continue to remind me of who I was and in your eyes. who I will always be. Never once have you acknowledged anything other than that. You cannot even congratulate me, can you? Because that would threaten your very image of your false lives. You can no longer assume that if nothing else, at least you are better than me. You are no better if you need to keep people down to look like you’re up.
What you are up to is another story. When you told me you couldn’t afford to even keep your word but it didn’t matter if you didn’t as long as I did. Isn’t that how it works when you are a hypocrite?
I don’t expect to hear form you because I’m not willing to deal with any more of your covert and sometime not so covert insults. You are not very clever in hiding them.
I’ve come to know you as someone I’m not so sure I even want to know. You wreak with hypocricy and duplicity you can’t pray away no matter how often you may bob your head. It’s people like you that make this world the ugly place it has become. As long as you get yours. That’s the name of the game. Call it Electrolux because it sucks and it’s invisible bags are stuffed with all of your important and expensive versions of a 99cent store, believing if it cost more it must mean something. It means your a fool for taking the bait. It means driving a Cadillac when you’re homeless. You can’t buy what you need and you have no clue how needy you are.
One thing is for sure, this time it’s not me who is full of shit.

 

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