That feeling of impermanence that sometimes shows up as anxiety. That totally explains it for once. One might even say that’s one in a row…… I’ve been trying to decode this for a long time so it’s pretty cool to get here. It is after all an enlightening moment to be sure. When I am in the experience of anxiety I tend to be very self conscious, sometimes even a little paranoid. Not serious just anxious, uncomfortable.
Once again I spoke to soon. The real get here is about the opposition is always equal to the resistance. That means if what I’m getting is absurd the level if my denial is the same. Finding what is in denial then …..get it admit it by examples and feel the ridicule burn. This is always about humility. When I take the bait I reactivate and that’s where the level of resistance is sources. I’ve honed it to a skill. Here comes pride. Maybe I really am a religious zealot “Pride goeth before the fall” I don’t know who actually said that but I first heard it from my dear Maciel way back on the day when my crush was pure. So pride becomes something as in, to be proud of, And that thing to be proud of, no matter, needs to be defended, etc. So I’ve just created a thing with a scenario as well. This whole process may take seconds to configure and respond, Hence, I have taken the bait.
The question is this; Does having the answer make any difference? I never thought to ask that before. I’m not so sure it does…..and for so many reasons. There’s always so many reasons for everything now I’m wondering if even reasons make any difference? Oh boy! This is what happens in my mind. It always happens, its called thinking but not just regular thinking as I have no clue what that may be but I am familiar with mine and from my total life experience I’ve learned it’s not at all common. I had written lofe and thought it may be a Freudian slip. Loaf is the underlying guilt trip I’m always on. It’s the whole reason for my present anxiety! Maybe finding the core of where something comes from really can make a difference after all. Who new I was still arguing with my father about taking the easy way out. that was his view of my life and somehow I bought into it unconsciously. Not to mention it was always the first question I was always ask whenever I saw my family. “So, are you working?” Not, ” Hi, how are you/” Never that. It’s no wonder I have a hard time being quiet. I fool myself into being busy doing something as doing nothing, at least someone’s version of nothing that meant I wasn’t working. At the same time it explains why I had such a hard time getting and keeping a job. It never had any meaning except that I could say I was working. The problem was that just to be working didn’t work for me. Plus that I didn’t have to didn’t help. It was like puh me pull me. “Here’s some money, go get a job” …………..At least it wassn’t so much that I was lazy although I was but more just not motivated to perform a meaningless function to get money I was already getting from the same people guilting me out.