Just thinking about where I was and where I am now

Damn! It’s a long time ago and still seems like just yesterday sometimes.
I’ve been around the world in a day……It was like another lifetime ago.  I am once again challenged by circumstances I cannot control.

I had a conversation with my neighbor. It was about how I’m always ‘in session’ and how I shouldn’t always have to be………….I thought about that.

The truth is life is always in session.  When it’s not there is no change. I spent years waiting for it to happen, for change to occur…..but everything was always the same. There were different people and different places but I was always the same and the same shit always happened. I was always asking myself the same questions and never having the answers. “Why does this always happen?”

So it dawned on me today what that’s about,  it’s what goes on when life isn’t in session.  It doesn’t change, except to get worse and more of what doesn’t work. It takes a conscious effort to create the movement that gets shit out of the way so something else can show up. Even that doesn’t guarantee a new experience, it may wind up being more of the same but eventually it gets worked out and new things do and will show up in its place.

I always thought the secret or the answer was out there somewhere. If I buy the right thing. Someone knows… Maybe I’ll see it someplace or have the right conversation with the perfect person…………..Anything but seek within myself for this truth in the only place it can be found.

Finally, after avoiding it for a lifetime and by the grace of God I lived long enough……..  I took the time and, with intentional purpose, I began in earnest to seek to acquire this internal knowledge of self. My own truth about who it is that I am.

This journey so far has been well worth the trouble it was to get here. The price I have paid does not seem so much for the rewards I am finding. The joy of knowing no time was wasted and everything turns out to be exactly how it’s supposed to……….Well, the experience of embracing  myself, who it is I am, is the most fulfilling of all.

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