Be gracious not pugnacious…….

I want to be grateful for the signs on the horizon….Things are looking up yes indeed. I sort of want to laugh and rub it into someone’s face but I don’t know who? Maybe just the face of pugnaciousness itself.  Just the thought of the ego false flag that breeds short term flashes and rushes easily obtained by high doses of Niacin. What to do, what to do? If things should happen to turn out the way my mind is seeing it…..Well I don’t know? I guess I didn’t expect it which may be the clue of clues right there. Wanting without expecting is a humbling journey and usually fruitless but sometimes only a temporary layover. In a minute it will be back to the grindstone of expecting something else now. Ain’t that a bitch! No sooner out of one puzzle and into the next and sometimes without even a break between. Probably more times than not as it looks from here.

Some specifics: What I am learning about myself this month…..

I have huge expectations about other people. Maybe it’s not really about other people at all? Okay, it’s not. But it looks like it is, at least that’s how it seems and feels, regardless. So then, what are they about? Am I Debby and expect if I just don’t say anything that it’s all good and I should just take whatever is offered? That doesn’t even feel right! Something else in there. I do have expectations in the outcome of my gestures and I do recognize that. I give away a lot of things and expect when I need something someone will give it to me.  Even if it’s just a word. Looks like I seek perfection not progress so I’m usually always disappointed in something. So it’s established that I have these kids of expectations in the outcome….That is to say that when I give someone something I expect them to be there when I need something back. Oh. I see. Hence, my disappointment when it’s not there and it’s never there either. You would think by now I’d have noticed but it took what it took. I wonder how else that is true about things I do? So, what it looks like to me is that what I really need to get with is not so much that I have any expectations of anyone else but that the ones I do have are always of and about myself. Oh. Yes. That would be affirmative.

I’m out.

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