Just thinking

I remember feeling like I had lost all hope. I had no purpose to be alive and was only taking up space..I remember thinking that I was even to unworthy to be breathing the air that someone with a purpose could be using.

That was a very depressing time and it seems like it lasted a long time, years, decades in fact.I tried everything to elevate my state of mind and wound up find heroin that turned out to be my saving grace.In a very abstract way I believe it actually saved my life.It dulled the deep dissatisfaction I experienced as a part of a so called society that made absolutely no sense at all to me. Ny family was convinced I had mental problems and so that was it. She’s nuts, they’d all say behind my back. They sent me to shrinks at 12 years old so I would get right. Ice skating lessons and Charm School to develop more feminine ways with the bonus of learning how to walk up and down stairs in shoes never meant for the human foot. Mom’s closet is where norm,al clothes were to be found for those special occasions I was obligated to appear. What made it worse was having a very normal sister to always be compared to. Maybe that was what I meant when I had the thought that she was going to ruin my life. that came to me at Roosevelt Park in Chicago, when I was very young and getting off the merry go round feeling kid joy even though it seemed I was always down when the brass ring came around. that is until my sister informed me I was on a stationary horse that didn’t even go up. It wasn’t so much that I was crushed as I became very aware at that moment that life was getting ready to begin with a big red caution sign flashing in my consciousness.

Turns out I was preceint, we no longer even speak. haven’t for probably 40 years, if that’s a clue. This is the person who became a conservative religious Jew, to which I would say, Ouy! I could even say that in thee later years of my life and after spending hours on line getting educated about history well I am practically an antisemite. thanks Jackie, for the opportunity to research religion.

I needed to completely break down so I could finally break through and embrace the person I have come to be. I’m not so sure I would have been able to if not for all the resistance getting here. Without ever knowing it, my sister has assisted me more than almost any other human in my life. Not to mention my whole family and the important roles they played that would insure my personal development.

I am ever so grateful.

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