Waiting for life to begin…….

Instead of waking up every day to a new opportunity I somehow believe that since I have no ‘job’ or anything else to do that is acceptable according to a standard I never thought mattered…….. and yet I am programmed to think like this anyway. My subconscious mind has absorbed a false system simply by being exposed to it.

I have things to do that are important to me even though I  act as if I were my own parent in judgement of a child’s choices as unrealistic. Mostly because only time spent towards monetary gain and external values are worthwhile.

I’ve always hated that idea. I’m not sure why but I’m offended by it. The one word I’s use to describe my own mother would be ambitious. She always wanted more than she had. She wanted more from her husband and children as well. I was a major disappointment but my sister followed her lead almost without question. She even married someone very much like our father…..who was obedient to her desires. She too always needed more. I’m not so sure about her two daughters as I haven’t seen either of them for over 39 years but the last I heard the oldest of the two was still working answering phones for her father.s law firm. It was her first job and has lasted over the many years. So just that by itself doesn’t bode well for her own person-hood. The youngest actually moved to New York, started her own business and marries some guy. I’m quite sure they are well off.

That’s the story of my immediate family and the rest all have pretty much the same kinds of motives. It looks like I’m the odd man out. They still accuse me of being mental. It’s the only way they can fathom my bizarre life and values. I prefer having pets and refuse to be a slave to the system. I never out grew my resistance to all my mother’s ambition and hope.

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