Tt occurs to me that we do not just live life as an individual entity and out choices always affect other beings. I used to believe that as long as I was only hurting myself it was no one’s business. turns out that’s not really the case after all. My choices always affect other living things…..as in this example, animals as pets. A neighbor with a drug problem has two dogs. She is homeless and was depending on her
‘friend ‘ to keep them for her until she got her shit together. that never happens when you’re using, especially heavy drugs like speed or smack. So her friend has her own serious issues and as a result of circumstances the ‘friend’ decided she didn’t want to be bothered and let the dogs out to be lost, killed or who knows? That’s what got my attention. Besides all the psychological issues the reality is that the result of her choices to use is costing the lives of two dogs that never chose this alternative. My life has been like that. Not just pets but humans are also in the mix here. I never gave anyone else a second thought about how they may feel about my choices. I just assumed it was my life and I was simply living my anger and not hurting anyone else. Well, it’s just not that simple. Now that I can look at this with some objectivity I can see how so many other people are affected by my choices. It never occurred to me that I ever made any difference in anyone’s life so it didn’t matter what I did. Now I can see how this was only a way to stay in denial so I wouldn’t have to fell guilty about my choices. being an addict requires a certain kind of license that goes with the program. It’s the kind that allows me to get away with the things I needed to do to accomplish my daily task of satisfying the never ending quest for unconsciousness.It’s circular in nature. I had to numb myself to get away with the process of numbing myself…..It was a balance of errors that collects a kind of kenetic energy that keeps it rolling along, at least until a wall shows up and brings this routine to a sudden and miserable halt. I’m referring to situations that require an unexpected and sometimes prolonged state of dead time waiting around for the moment to continue on with my compulsion of destruction. In case you haven’t guessed I’m talking about getting busted and having to go to jail to be warehoused for a designated time. It is a part of the commitment to this life style that is understood. Like life, no one gets out alive….so it is with addiction…no one can slide forever.
What it looks to me that that instead of waiting until I die to have this life review that turns everything on its head so the experience is of those involved in my life choices. It’s the part that allows me to experience what they must have as a result of something I’d done. Frankly it sucks! I find that everywhere I look I experience a form of payback for all the harm I’ve done to others including how I affected my pets. Ouy! does it ever end ? So far I wouldn’t be surprised if the verdict was Purgatory,a place suspended between the grave and hell to experience perdition for eternity! That sounds pretty harsh. I’ve never did purposeful serious physical harm to a human although I have some ugly karma as a hamster killer as a child and did beat up my dog out of a desperate need for love. Maybe Purgatory is a little extreme but my point is that I am going through these things now and I haven’t even died yet…………………………hmmmm? Maybe I’m missing the point ?