Fear or Trust

It’s been my experience that when confronted with this option I notice I seem to lean towards trusting the fear side of the equation as a safer bet. That pretty much answers any doubt right there. The only question is why? What is it about fear that is more believable than trust? Or maybe the question should be why is fear easier to trust than truth?  hmmmm…..An interesting dilemma.  My first guess would be habit.  As an integral ingredient of living without any sense of self worth and still recognizing a strong inner sense of myself, my reality was always depending on another’s version first as I had not learned to trust my own judgement about anything in the external sense of day to day living.  My sister and mother were both alike in that they were regular normal women who did regular shopping and fashion and furniture and daily physical beauty concerns that always needed just a little more this or that. I was a Cactus among Tulips…and a thorn in their side.  I couldn’t even find shoes that fit in the woman’s section  but never discovered boys tennis shoes until almost my 30’s. Certainly  late 20’s but until then I lived in constant pain and discomfort with most of the shoes I was forced to endure, not to mention the absolute torture of job hunting in high heels!  Life is tough when your formative years can’t find a role model even close to what feels right.  Today I’m sure it’s just as bad for kids growing up but in the 50’s and 60’s changes were beginning to speed up as the post war years had developed into a completely different social structure that still has not settled down to a routine that could be counted on to be here the next day.

It’s beginning to look as if finally the page is turning and there will be a new way or a next step that will use this knowledge to face the new challenge. Could be that’s the whole purpose of having this human experience….as it does run the gamut where ever it decides is the right place and circumstance to accomplish this goal of achieving perfection  of the I am….the All that is.

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