We were at Roosevelt Park, it was like an early version of a theme park for kids.with rides and stuff
My sister and I were on the Merry Go Round and it was the kind with the brass ring. Seems like every time I came around to the ringstand my horse was down too low and I couldn’t reach it but I was having such a good time anyway I didn’t care. That is until my sister made a point to let me know as she was laughing at me, that I was on a stationary horse that wasn’t moving anywhere except around the Carousel.
It was that moment that is written in cement in my memory as the first time I realized what sibling rivalry was and that over tome this person in the body of my big sister was really ourt to get me. It was that moment in time when I said to myself, “She is going to try to ruin my whole life”.
I don’t know where that came from except to say that throughout our lives she has never changed that aspect of her personality and by now we are both very senior citizens, knock on wood.
Even today, as I speak (write) she shows no signs of capitulating her competitiveness with anything to do with me. She has found it a priority in her life to go out of her way to always ‘look’ as if she was in some way better than me.
I should also say it’s not jut me either. my sister has lived her whole life out of a place of always having to out due an opponent even, as in this case, when there never was one.
Out of anger and injustice of always being accused of one thing or another, I have succeeded in developing my defenses to a point of being offensive as a result and then used it as a rationale to excuse my own behavior. A kind of self inflicted payback, I guess you could call it. I became everything I was accused of and did so exceptionally well I must say, to the point where I believed it all myself. That I really was all those things and mental as well.
For the mental part, it took me 60 years to finally track down the source of that. Oddly enough, or maybe not so odd. About the time I was ‘diagnosed’ of ‘needing help’ ….My uncle was going to UCLA studying to be a child psychologist and wannabe Sigmund Freud. As a result of being an individual person, that is to say that I was never just one of a crowd, as I always had my own ideas and so many questions that were never answered, I was deemed ‘different’ and that meant that I was bad or wrong about everything. From the time I was twelve years old I was subjected to years and years of psycho therap7y thanks to my favorite uncle Sy.
the most profound and amazing result of uncovering this secret was that this same uncle told me after I informed him of my discovery, that I should just leave the past in the past as if it never happened!
And that is truly the story of my life.
So now you know what I know and no one else except Seymour knows that he cannot face as it represents his own personal failure and he can;’t handle it so he remains in serious denial and unforgiven, as well.
The bottom line is that I had to go through whatever it was I had to go through to get where I am now. It doesn’t matter if he gets or not because I do and that is what makes the difference