Explanations

The story of my life. I became enamored with the dictionary at an early age.  It became my bible.  With that bible I could explain everything, as I must have believed that everything is all there is.  At the same time I was aware of a continuing conversation with myself.  I also knew I could always go back if things were more than I could handle.  At the time I would say, ‘I can always kill myself.  It  wasn’t out of desperation but frustration about how things seemed to be going.’  My family was not like me and everyone knew it. So I became the collective reason no ones life worked. Looking back now it’s funny.  What did I know ?  It was difficult to find any agreement except for when mom would express some understanding, she promised, and I believed her.  It was a long long time later when I had to question everything mom said about her actual understanding of anything about her daughter.  ‘But she loved me !’  I was sure of it.   I had no frame of reference yet and didn’t have much to go on at that point.   I was also abundantly clear about the dad thing so it was her or no one.  I have sister. I also had  a lot of family members who expressed obligatory  and relative love for all members. I have an uncle who was the family psychiatrist although he just majored in child psychology at UCLA and had a summer camp for kids with rich parents. What a guy.  He’s the one who told or maybe just suggested that I may need professional help.  For the rest of my life I have been that person.  I never knew that until now and instead believed it must be true.  Look at me !  I am weird.  Not so much to look at weird more the stuff I talked about and how uncomfortable I was around most people.  They all must have known I needed professional help, too. The thing about all this is that it took me until I was 72 years old to figure out what happened and why my life became the experience it did.  It was all quite necessary to go through, survive and get to the other side of before I could see it as it was played out in my life experiences.  It must have been the plan all along…  While a person is playing out their destiny they rarely can watch themselves playing it out at the same time.   Although there are those that can.  They are seen as the exceptional people and regarded as an anomaly, not normal when in fact they are the normal ones while the rest spend their lives taking direction from the masters who make the rules.  Why else would those so called ‘anomalies’ be so threatening to their own survival at their helm ?

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