Like many like minded individuals wondering about their own purpose and reasons for being, I have also been asking these kinds of questions throughout my life. I have had a rather diverse history including everything from seeing a psychiatrist twice a week all through my jr. high school years…to hitch-hiking across country at 17 years old in 1963 and all the way to way too many years battling substance abuse and finally to survive and reverse my first adventures at 17 to my now birthday of 71 years old today, as we speak. A 54 year history of sorts.
Surviving my life is truly an accomplishment but does not explain a whole lot more than that……Today however…… I am experiencing a rather profound explanation, reason and purpose to this history.
“In the beginning…” as it does feel like that long ago, A person may surmise that I had issues early on but if you where me you wouldn’t have known how hard my mother tried to turn me into someone else at any expense……..anyone else, as it turns out. Why?
Well, I’m still not entirely sure I even know now but I do have a better sense today then I had back then, thankfully……and without detailing every particular situation it is enough to say that my life has been spent searching for this person my mother kept denying I was.,
I was angry, very angry……but not at my mother but my father! Go figure. While Mom was busy being in denial about her daughter….her daughter was just as busy being in denial about her mother, only this never came even close to the surface for years and years. I was the standard bearer of ‘how to survive a miserable father and subsequent miserable childhood.’ It was and I was……..hence, as a result I was able to miss two classes every Tuesday and Thursday while my ride sat in the car and waited for his child to finish her appointment with the good doctor child psychologist, and since my father could not see how he had anything to do with this ‘illness’ he never bothered to even meet the Doctor, I was on my own.
So that was the beginning and it never did advance much further. The rest of my life was spent trying to survive these beginnings and somehow everywhere I looked there were more of ‘my mother and more of my father’ and they were all miserable, everyone was out to get me somehow and for some reason. This was not paranoia but reality. I used to have dreams when I was younger about my mother and sister hiding from me at the department store, by bending over so I couldn’t see them. Later on it was the same only with every one else in my life. I didn’t even know how to establish any kind of relationship so I never had any…….that is any positive relationships only negative, and still this is true.
I could easily write volumes on the various kinds of jerks that populate the planet. I could go into detail about their motives and even diagnose them since I had years of experience at being diagnosed myself and I was a quick study…..But the bottom line was that I could only recognize all the lousy people, the ones that take advantage of everything, every human frailty that could be abused and used…..I was there. Even when I thought, ‘this time was different…’it was never different, just different faces but all still playing the same games….the same scripts….and always, the same outcome. Zero.
I don’t even know how to be a neighbor, it seems like everyone thinks I’m weird, strange, different! Duh! I guess good ol mom was right….too bad she spent all that money on so many failed attempts at my transformation. We’re talking ‘Charm School’ even ‘Ice Skating lessons’ since everybody knows one must have at least some grace on the ice? poor mom, God knows she tried. Too bad she couldn’t look into the future to see how much damage she was doing…..and yet I was positive it was because my ‘sperm donor’ was such a jerk.
Anyway, you can see the picture here, it wasn’t the ‘happy days’ on tv.
Throughout the years I have been a seeker of another reality as this one didn’t hold a lot of attraction for me…..and yet it seemed as though this kind of realty was attracted to me and I to it, no matter how sure I may have been that ‘this time would be different.’ It wasn’t, it was always the same outcome no matter.
So, here we are today………….all these years later! I had an uncle who was pretty sure I’d never make it past 30. At that point I’m not even sure I cared anymore…..and I was only 17. By the time I was 21 I was already tired and burned out from my quest for an identity.
Anyway, I came all this way to finally wind up to where it all is beginning to make some sense, finally! and it makes absolute sense as well, and why not? Isn’t this what my brain does best? I’ve been known to come up with theories to such a degree that the subject no longer exists. But I am not deterred……..I will prevail…..which by the by… is what this whole entire rant is really about.
It all started with a conversation about ‘being able to notice the things that are attracted to us and what we are attracting’ to get a sense of where you are in regards to your own development. It was that kind of conversation. So later on I began to explore how that works and see examples all around me.
Always I’m asking questions about origins mostly. I want to know where things come from? I don’t mean location but source… I’m always asking why?
Why do I have these horrible neighbors? and I don’t just mean the low lives to my immediate right either. Seems everywhere I look either I hate them or they hate me, it’s true ………..so I’m asking. Why? How is it that after all these years I don’t have a clue?
So this is where it begins to get profound. Turns out, I have been so busy ‘attracting’ all these miserable humans that I wasn’t noticing the bigger picture which was the fact that my resistance is equal to my force. That if I give 80% effort towards something there is equally 80% resistance in my way…..and that’s only the beginning! Turns out I have a bit of a stubborn streak and so in order that I do prevail it has become necessary to create an outrageous daily scenario that I must confront in order to advance and the reason seems to be that I am running out of time and it’s taking way longer than it has to.
My biggest clue here is my neighbors. They are everything that I am intolerant of, all of them, everything. So here I am and it’s right in front of my face but I keep looking around it to see what there is to see………………….See what I mean? Turns out that all of the sudden I finally notice what’s been in front of me forever……and it is “myself!” Imagine. Years and years of running and hiding from this person who all along had the very answers I was seeking! So that who or whatever is in charge of all this behind the scenes is saying to me that if I can’t figure it out this time, well come on…..then I’m just not supposed to and I’ll just have to wait around for the next ride on the escalator up. Damn!