Bless Mom’s Apple Pie – Hole

I’ll never forget the sense of relief clearly heard and felt in my mother’s voice when she muttered, “I always knew there was something wrong with you!”  Yes mom, you have been validated. This was the answer to the fact that I had just accepted from the doctor here at the mental hospital.  I was a temporary patient in the detox program but not to mom, no she knew what really was going on, she’d always known…. it’s  something you couldn’t really put your finger on but you could tell.  There’s something wrong with this person (me)…..and she was going to fix it.  Something my mother always knew in her heart was that money can fix everything. She’s been gone for some years now and I can’t help but wonder if she still knows that ?

I just didn’t go to shrinks to get well I was also a ‘Loretta Young Girl’……I’m 5’2″ and built  kind of like a barrel but none the less my mother was going to make sure I was normal in every way the knew was normal. As a teenager she paid for me to take ice-skating lessons, in desperation to accomplish her goal, I was not graceful enough.  What else ? I’m sure there are more examples of ‘unconditional’ love only I can’t recall any at the moment.  One more; This woman was a cornucopia of excuses, she was always ready to explain that although her other daughter was quite normal, I assure you, all this one needs is some direction.  She’ll be just fine once she gets the hang of this sexual distinction issues.

Poor mom, may she rest in peace with at least a credit card.

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It’s Possible

Since we all arrive at different times, in our way of thinking about time, everyone has their own future timeline, right? …… Maybe not. Because it doesn’t explain multiple  remote viewings on the same target seeing the same place..  So the question becomes where is the line between our personal journey and our collective journey?  Or is it more of a group thing where instead of showing up individually at different times we come in groups or families all on the same journey……I like that one.  It’s inclusive. Our job is to get past out mind somehow and join the rest of the family………………………………………oh, I see.

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A Meeting?

The funniest thing happened today.  I had a compulsion to go or be at a meeting….go figure? I hate meetings but for some reason I was going to a meeting today  All day long I kept looking at the clock and checking the meeting schedule . Now I can’t even remember the last meeting I went to. I never liked them yet I am going to a meeting today. I can’t believe I’m saying this but wait, it gets stranger.  first it was a 5pmer.  Then when I looked at the clock it was too late. So the next one was at 7 and I left my house at 7 and wound up at the meeting. Now you have to understand I had made a deal with my neighbor to take her to a meeting….to get her to a meeting, as my initial intention, I had thought, was for her benefit……………..But no, that wasn’t it at all, as it turned out.

Okay, so I’m in the meeting and then I have a strong motivation to share!  Are you kidding me?  I never share unless I have a rehearsed routine and usually people laugh.  But that’s not what happened. No, I just blurted out all of the sudden in the midst of total silence in the room. I’m Lynne addict and Ithis is my first time here, I never go to meetings…….although even though I already know everything I still have learned a lot when I did go……”  and I went on about this and that and suddenly I realized that I was in the middle of talking in a meeting and I better pay attention. I forget stuff a lot. So I finally ended with my latest get about seeing the other side of this life and taking ownership, etc…..and then I just faded off into silence without the usual ‘thank you for letting me share’ line. It was so weird.  Then other people were sharing when this one guy was talking and speaking in a language I really got He said something and then came the best line, he said, :I’m watching the divine choreography of it all….”  Wow! Then he started talking about his sponsor and finished with the statement that he is looking for a sponsor now since his  went deaf  and is very old.

Okay, so I go home feeling pretty good about myself thinking I did the right thing by this experience. Again,  I never go out when it’s dark anymore but it was dark and it felt kind of exciting for a minute.  Anyway I’m at my computer listening to a religious version of the shit the world is in when quite suddenly I get it! It was truly a eureka moment, no joke.  I was pulled to that meeting by a very powerful soul indeed! Wowza!

You see, after the meeting I was immediately drawn to this guy and all I could say was that he had a good brain….and that  I think it’s possible that your higher power is in your high consciousness and it’s very personal.  Later on when I was remembering he wa practically telling me to make sure I showed up again.  It was then I realized what truly happened about why I had to be at that meeting because I had to meet this person who speaks the same language.

It was  my second gift today.  the first one was finding a doctor who knows stuff and is open to ideas. What a total bonus find that was/is.  All in all I’d say this was a day!

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Being Old

I noticed while listening to an older guy explaining stuff that older folk seem long winded when recalling something…..I’m also old. I realized why. When we retell a story we  tend to relive the experience as we recall the actual moments.

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An inspired conversation with Myself…..

It’s called ‘Reciprocity’

This stuff about ascending or evolving to a higher consciousness is not so easy as it turns out. Nothing less than
absolute diligence is required to achieve even a modicum of a positive experience. We’re talking 24/7 here.
This includes those thoughts when you think you’re alone within the confines of your physical mind.
The bad news here is that you’re never alone with regards to this thinking as these thoughts are the very guides we have to determine our moment to moment progress or levels of enlightenment.
The old saying that you never get away with anything cannot be overemphasized…..as we are never alone in our thoughts
so thinking we are getting away with some negative indulgence is pure fantasy, especially when you follow this thinking with
words having the effect of reminding us how very enlightened we are. These thoughts are self delusional. How do you pretend to be in a place where negativity cannot exist as you are experiencing it?
So far the worst part is that no matter how far along I believe I am……before that thought can be concluded I am confronted with yet another new issue to sort through as if up until now I had been just taking a nap.

“I am never rewarded with peace of mind just another set of issues……. ”

Sound familiar? that’s because the rewards are so huge it’s hard to fathom. How to describe that feeling of, “Oh yea, I knew that” ? That sense within that goes all the way back to the beginning of time. A fullness that never required any food but simply truth. We always know in our heart of hearts when we hear it or feel it just as we know instantly when it is all wrong.
It’s not a thought at all, in fact it has to by pass the mind to be experienced as a feeling.
It’s all kind of like trying to understand a quantum or trying to describe a dream using a dictionary. I call it incongruous.

I suppose what it’s all about is the ego as well. we are walking/talking ego’s after all. that is what is meant by free will. It ain’t free and who in the hell is Will?

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New Definition of Insanity

Any peoples or persons of all false positions of power purposely and without conscience who deliberately set out to find and destroy any and all history and tradition that is not in compliance with their story (his-story) they want to make true…..as in almost all remote Islands and Mainland Indigenous and isolated tribal populations……and worse have practically succeeded and are now pursuing civilized populations as well.

This is a complete pathology of insanity…..Welcome to our world!

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Always More Irony………..

I was just thinking how ironic it would be if my ever so self righteous acidic sibling left this plane of the 3rd dimension before I did.  It would be a kind of poetic justice for sure…….at least if you were the kind of person whom all your worldly what evers are so invested in their materialistic  value…..I think that would be the operating theme here. …As it is truly about things with valuable.  It always amazed me and greatly troubled my immediate family that I didn’t blend well in these areas. I remember once my sister, who is a few years older, was discussing getting a car with my mother…..when out of the blue mom says, “But Lyndy will buy her own car when she is 16, won’t you?’    as here eyes peered deeply and desperately into mine…..(The poor dear, if she could have only peered into the future instead…………………It would have been abundantly clear to her that this would be only the beginning of a long line of vehicles she would be purchasing for this ‘Golden Child’…………………)

It’s a funny thing the way life turns out…….A person can be so sure of things even until the  very last minute… then KA BOOM! Everything implodes into smithereens and is instantly changed! Like you never knew what hit ya…it just happens like that, life does….. because of the fact ‘that I lived’ I know this to be true.

All the traumatic times. Those, the ones that you’re absolutely positive have and will ‘change your life forever’ and sometimes they really do.  Like the time I called my father’s bluff after threatening to put me in the hospital again, he hadn’t actually done it yet but it always began something like this, I would piss him off..which was easy since everything I did had this effect, then came the “Get her otta my sight before I bla bla the hospital…” But this time I told him to just go for it…………. he did.  The part about it that was not expected was just like in the comic books….. I saw stars!  Big time stars all flashing and constantly changing colors. One thing here happened for sure and that was the fact that I never took that position again…..and as I live I continue to learn and that alone for  me is what makes waking up everyday a possibility.  Oh sure, easy for me to say…………..now. But yesterday? Not so much. Nothing, I repeat…Nothing…went right. With one exception…my anger bone was working overtime.  It didn’t seem to matter who it was, it wasn’t right, everything is wrong.   Doctor appointment with a new doctor….bad day to meet new doctor especially a new and very young doctor……….. in age as well as experience……. who not only had an attitude about it but I had to contend with this new and young doctor who was probably only a doctor because her Oriental father is a herbalist and acupuncturist! (Wow, I thought, maybe I’ve finally found someone I can agree with…I’m just guessing) But then it began to look like  little daughter is so competitive she is trying to prove to her father that she is better because of a Western education!  (so there went any hope for alternatives) She must have repeated the line about ‘my training’ a dozen times in ten minutes. “According to my training…, Not the way I was trained” I know how her father must feel…… then I had the nerve to mention as kind of a throw away line, “I’ll bet you guys have a lot of arguments!”  (Why did I have to say that?)  If looks could kill………..Who knew? I hadn’t figured it out yet about what her motives were, for almost immediately, while she was recommending a different doctor…… saying, “I think you will have more in common philosophically with Dr. Somebodyelse…than we do” …..(fuck you very much).

Ok, so I didn’t mention the part about when I first got there and I was talking to the assistant telling her that after spending a lot of time on line I probably had too much information………….So she tells this to the doctor before she sees me and brings with her a bit of an attitude to begin with…especially after I had indicated that I would be interested in an alternative treatment……Well,  that turned out to be a mistake on my part.  I should have known better than to think that anyone and mostly everyone never understands what I mean no matter what it is I’m saying…It’s always misunderstood  or rather I do not communicate in a manner that is easily understood and more  often than not, misunderstood…….Then to make things worse I forget that’s what’s happening and begin to react to the misunderstanding and off I go!  Worse yet is that when I go off I go over the line usually and although I am usually not particularly sorry, it can be embarrassing and uncomfortable to be sure. It may be that I suffer from a particular lack of self control in some areas…………………And if necessary I’m sure I could easily come up with some very rational reasons and excuses for my bizarre behavior but then I would be probably making it up anyway.  Everything can have reasons and excuses and over the years I  have found that no matter what you fill in the blanks with it doesn’t change anything……..(I noticed the accidental italics but I think I like it so I’ll keep it) Looks kind of casual and at this point in time, I’m anything but…………………………………………………………………………….over?

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