It’s why I always drift into autopilot where my brain is always telling to be doing something. It’s the program of avoidance. The opportunity to just be cannot compete with the thought of having to do. Thoughts are an obsticle that outweigh the etheric senses of simply being. It requires only the presence, an awareness of the moment.
I come to this realization out of a conflict in thought. I am programmed to be doing something. I’ve talked about this before as hearing old tapes running inthebackround. I thought it ws my mother. Maybe it is but it’s what she represents that’s important. It’s an assumption that we must follow the path that is expeced. Even when that path is somewhat deviatedit s basically dthe structures that are followed to be successful. that is the general expectation we seem to be born into. We don’t get to vote. Anyone who questions the program is deemed deviant in some manner. We are given very wide shoices to choose our lives path….But it’s always a controlled choice. It’s like the elections, we are given to choose the right or the left wing of the same bird that is providd by the real decision makers of the planet.
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2018 01:15:24 GMT
I just wanted to tell you what I’ve discovered so far. It’s about being a mench. I have realized that being a mench isn’t always so much about being a good slave to the system and following all the rules that are shoved down out throats, whether or not we are in agreement. Coming to terms with who a person is and embracing all that means, is what being a mench is. Being brutally honest to yourself about your most intimate and sacred secrets without any judgments and guilt. This ta-ki, is the em mus of your inner being where the mench in all of us lives.
I’ve had to face many hurdles along the way and push against the status que with every ounce of strength I had, just to be even a little okay with who I was. I had no agreement. I was always wrong. I lived in fantasy land, and on and on. I was accused of being a mental case because I simply could not conform to what wasn’t real to me. Needless to say, I went through truckloads of band aids trying to get from one open wound to another, one obstacle at a time. It was a kind of work most are unwilling to even contemplate. Get a job! That was the answer to everything. Except it wasn’t the answer to anything. It was simply a vote for a system I could not operate in. It is as foreign to me now as it has ever been. The only difference today is I can give myself permission to choose my own sense of what is real without having to sacrifice my own personal integrity. It is truly a gift of my lifetime. I had no idea the rewards that were on the other side of all my battles to survive without selling out. Just to be like everyone else, acceptable, regular and normal. Those words have no meaning for me anymore. They are no longer something I must do. I have achieved a state of emotional well being I never even knew existed. Everyday, as long as I am grateful for it, offers a joy I never knew was even possible. Without all the external expectations that are in that invisible contract we are forced to sign as a condition of person hood, there is a freedom that can only be known within and without.
I can’t possible share with you all the bonuses I’ve been experiencing since I was willing to face Jackie. I’m really sorry she wasn’t reciprocal, I hope someday she will be able to let go of whatever it is she believes she has to hold on to. I really do. There’s nothing I or anyone can do to make that happen. It’s an inside job and I’ve worn out many mental shovels getting here, but the pay off has been without equal.
Take care, Andy. I can only offer you one assist, that is to trust your inner voice, it is your truth. It is the only truth
Shifting my focus from left brain list making organized chaos to right brain what needs to get done to continue functioning as smooth as possible. Taking he course of least resistance vs. putting obstacles in the path. Never completing anything vs. always in progress. It’s all about a viewpoint. If I have to do something I throw everything in the way. I hate having to do anything. I really hat e it when I’m told I have to do something! I don’t know why it is but I am a rebel in those regards. Anti-establishment to my core. In other words I am a product of the 60’s. What a time that was! I suppose once is enough but the generations of that time have changed the world as we know it. Not bad for a decade of perceived decadence But, once again, I digress.
I’m watching and experiencing an interesting shift in my reality as the result in a shift in my focus mentally and spiritually. I experience that feeling in my gut that only be defined as love, or rather, being in love. It’s how I can know when something is real.
In fact, I’ve always just accepted the notion that the major influence in my life was the father figure or lack thereof. It was all the usual stuff about not being there emotionally and rejection and blame. I’m not sure who I thought he was supposed to be but pretty sure he wasn’t who I wanted him to be. Anyway, that was just the way it always was. I didn’t like him after a while. Maybe I just turned all the hurt into anger and blame. That sounds more like it. They say that ‘depression is anger turned inward.’ I don’t think I really understood what that meant until now. That happens a lot. I hold on to random information just like I collect stuff for repairing something along the way. Like a junk drawer with tools and a purpose. At least I like to think so. For me, it brings a deeper level of involvement with substance and creativity….But I digress. It turns out my mother may have had more of an influence on my inner regulations than I’d considered before. I’d known there was stuff but once again, my thinking was fairly academic and I’d assumed it was easily explained by standard psychological terms. Maybe not so much. A good example would be he time I take to write. I automatically and always wonder what I could or should be doing instead. As if I were only wasting or killing time and avoiding the inevitable ‘whatever it is’ that I’m should to be doing that actually has value. Not to say I don’t believe it doesn’t have huge value to me personally. But there is the problem, my self worth and those kinds of issues. I find that I’m always comparing what I’m doing to something like cleaning and other domestic chores that somehow I have placed above all else in priorities and worse, stuff I don’t even care about. Go figure? There’s this old 8 track running in the background having this conversation with my subconscious and making sure I have no peace of mind. Then again maybe it’s because I’m not talking about peace of mind but rather the reasons I struggle with it? This, of course, assumes there are no coincidences and so it has to be on and of purpose. Then I have to discover the purpose. There’s never time for peace of mind, I’m always being busy using it. Reminds me of when I’m running my virus cleaner while still surfing the web.
Remembering to not think is the first thing. tthen remembering so many other things just to get going. Maybe not. Maybe if I just stay in a particular state of mind…..right. I’m going to remember that? Ok. There has to be something I can do to keep from slipping into my reality drama every chance I get. This living consciously stuff can be more difficult than I’d first imagined. It’s actually work. (I laughl) I may even be slightly hysterical in a covert sort of way. When I do the things I’m supposed to do and not play retro in my mental time machine 8 track, it’s always worth the price of the ticket, no question. But when I don’t even notice I’m paying it forward, then it is not only work but blind effort without any conscious purpose at that moment. It’s back to zero. page one, as my 8th grade educated father always reminded me. So now, 500 years later everytime I see a part 2 or higher, my first instinct is to find part 1 before I go any further.
Once again, I digress. Today I want to talk about remembering something else. It turns out everything is already going on and all I have to do is tune into the right frequency to catch a wave and ride out the day. Not as easy as it may seem on a day without any swells. So, that’s the challenge, having enough patience to wait for it.
I’ve been writing about how I think my mother is still in my ear and what’s up with that? I realized that everything is about my state of mind. I know, “No Duh!” But this one is different somehow. This one reminds me of being carefree, not stuck in the daily rituals of survival in an obligatory way. Like I should be cleaning instead of writing kind of stuff. This one has been an issue for some time and I realized only yesterday that as long as I have the same thoughts I’m going to feel the same way. So I’m changing my thoughts about something to see if that works and makes a difference. Sorry Mom, But we have different definitions of this and for myself, well it just doesn’t work for me. I remember back in the day, Toluca Lake, that was the bomb! I remember the bomb happening and it was a whole different deal. We were young and having fun. That’s the parts that are missing. There’s not a lot I can do about the young part but I can change my experience from what it is now which is in the total bummer range to an acceptible and functional state. Back then we played music all the time and I’m sure that was a factor but still, it is about a state of mind and every day I have the opportuity to make those necessary adjustments. The idea is to enjoy my life and have fun doing it. When you’re young you don’t have to think about it it just comes naturally. But in later years it may be something I have to choose on a daily basis. For many years I’ve lived out of a defensive posture as a result of the way I supported my heroin addiction. I never knew if someone might come up from behind me and try to whack my head off. It’s happened before and does get a persons attention.. these days that’s not the case. In fact if anyting life is quite the opposite. No one comes from any direction to do anything. I am almost totally isolated. If not for the fact that there’s a walking path behind my house, chances are I wouldn’t see another human for weeks at a time. At least now I can yell for help and someone will hear.
Ok. The bottom line on the subject of ‘being in the moment’. In this version I am attempting to recover a sense of purpose in the moment. The moment was way back in the day when everything was with purpose. Not to say today isn’t but it’s very different than when I was way younger and my future never got in the way of my present. Being in the moment, that is to say without being in any current drama distractions, was a no brainer. It was all there was. Today is a different story. Who knew time would become an issue? I never thought I was wasting my time no matter what I was doing. There was and is, I believe, a reason for everything and yes, I do take everything seriously. I always have and more than likely always will. I told someone that I don’t lighten up. It’s the truth I’m afraid. It’s just what I do and who I am. It’s why I keep having to remind myself to stop thinking. I am very creative and tend to make up episodes of drama from all the evidence I think I’m seeing. Roughly 9 out of 10 times I am wrong about this. However, knowing I’m always wrong doesn’t seem to hinder this habit I’ve developed. It’s possible it has come about in the absence of any external input. Or, in other words, I have no one to talk to so I play all the parts in my imagination. I’m sure it’s why I keep comming up with basically the same scenarios all the time. I wouldn’t exactly say I was a total paranoid because I’m not but I am creative and do magnify little things that can change the whole picture or the dynamice of any situation. Simply by emphasizing another aspect can do this. In a way it becomes an excersize in critical thinking. It’s probably a good thing but without the absolute sureness I tend to feel. What is also kind of strange is that even after I realize I’ve made something up, I’m not even surprized about it anymore. But, once again, I digress……
Back to what I thought I was going to discuss…….Boils down to the part about being in the now moment. I am in the process of becomming aware of my state of mind whenever I’m just sitting and thinking or writing like this. My thinkng seems to dwell on an old tape that runs in my background saying, “Do something!” The automatic presumption here is that it doesn’t appear as if I am utilizing my time in any sort of productive manner. Or, whatever thoughts I may be thinking can surly wait untill after I’m done doing something acceptible like cleaning something. Thinking is not valid. Only doing counts. Mostly I’d agree with that. My dilemma is about remembering what it felt like to have a good time without a guilty conscience. That’s it and that’s all! But noooo! Not with a person who has a brain that doesn’t turn off or come up for air. My brain is like that. I’m always looking for a ‘deeper’ meaning and wind up in an argument (with and without myself) because I think I’m always right. Unless it can be proven to me otherwise, that is. At least I am willing to compromise if necessary. But for today, my task is to experience this day with purpose and the light of openess and acceptance. Grateful for my realty as sit in the now, having always whatever I should find myself in need of and so much more than I can ever utilize in the short time I have been given to have this experience called ‘life’.There are so many different aspects of just one event that I’m quite sure I miss most of. Even when I focus on the day and the experience of it, I’m sure I miss the most obvious messages and lessons. I’m thinking this is because I am always so focused on the parts I do get that I usually forget the other stuff. I forget a lot! Not so sure why unless it’s a way to not deal with something or…..I get to use the ‘old age memory’ excuse E.ither way it goes without notice until the next opportunity to get it. At his point it becaomes more about drawing it out from the darkness of a black hole that is yesterday and recalling the event that was the reason for the response in the first place. Also for the record, it’s worth noting here that I no longer have any idea what I’m talking about.
This is the real story of my life. A lot of inside information but without any beginning or ending…….Just that constant sate of downloading and translating into a workable dialogue with my consciousness. The rewards are comensurate with the price I am willing to pay. I have a huge tolerance for debt and very little value in exemplary credit. None of it makes a big difference in my life. I have no monetary value. It is impossible to know the true cost of maintaining this status but I can tell you, it wasn’t always the easiest way to go. It required a certain amount of integrity that looks just like lack of motivation. It looked like I was just lazy and without any purpose when I had a true purpoe that was so much more valuable. still, it is a combined quatity of only what goes on behind my eyeballs and has very little value at all to anyone else.