Recent History

Wow! I didn’t know how good it can get. How very real it all is. I mean the part about making intention reality. It’s quite mind blowing to see it actually manifesting right in front of my face. I’m not kidding, this is some incredible stuff that’s going on right now. At first I was thinking it was just me, ya know, I guess it was an ego thing, I thought I was special. Not to say I’m not an independent being because I most certainly am but that all my life has been about being in training for now. That’s what I’m talking about. It is incredible! Or did I already say that? Can’t help it. this is all my personal intimate beliefs about life that I always had to keep to myself. The looks I got whenever I expressed my views about significant things. Being accused of being way too serious. To me, I was being thoughtful and yes, I was taking life on its face. I never liked that face, it never worked for me. My family was always there to remind me that the whole world can’t be wrong and me be right. I heard that a lot. Still, it was true that no matter how much everyone tried to goad and guilt me into subscribing to their way of life it never impressed me as anything I was interested in. The one thing that stood out for me was the greetings I always got when I showed up at a family function or a dysfunctional gathering of the tribe. No one ever said, ” Hay, how ya doing?” No, instead it was, “Hi, are you working?” When I say this always happened I am not kidding. It is no joke that that’s how they all saw me. I guess it didn’t even matter what I had to say, I wasn’t on the list of preferred invites but more obligates of some distant definition of what these occasions were supposed to represent once in the very ancient past. But I’m only guessing, at this point, if there was any purpose for the moment that wasn’t obligatory in some respect. But I digress. Today I am experiencing a way different reality. I’ve been practicing to not think (all the time) and the difference is notable to say the very least. It feels like 180% difference that shows up when I am in a state of gratefulness. I get that feeling that lets me know I am resonating big time in the space and it can keep expanding until its more than I can take . Imagine that ! Too much joy to behold in only one person. Yea, that stuff. Yowza kinda swirling of energy almost being dizzy. There’s really no way to define how it feels except to say that it is very close to that feeling in my gut when I am in love. That feelng. It is so good and so real and you know it’s true. I’m having a lot of that going on lately, it’s everywhere I turn. Everything fits and I have the part if it’s missing that completes what ever it happens to be. Can a person even imagine their life taking so radical a turn in a direction you have been actually consciously been preparing your whole life for and then here it is? It just flat showed up! BAM! I am in awe. My face cannot help but pull itself bach towards my ears and put this stupid happy grin on it. I don’t even want to try and stop it, it’s too good. It’s so whole and complete all at once. It is a the story of ‘The Pearl’, Judie Sill, and I always knew it was in that song that the truth really was. I just never knew it the way I know it now.

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Process

They say depression is anger turned inward. I was depressed for decades but never experienced overt anger. Probably as a good candidate for an ulcer. Okay, so then and after spending quite a bit of time focused on employing a mental shovel, I experienced having an angry side of my personality. I guess it was more like a release of all that pressure that was building within a reservoir created to house all the inward anger I’d been holding on to. So for awhile now I’ve been known to sort of pop off when I get mad about something. Sometimes I even yell and don’t even think about who’s attention I provoke. It’s very spontaneous and is over sometimes before i even realize what I’ve just done. ie., Whoops! I hope I didn’t say something I’m going to be sorry for because it’s already too late. The cat she is out of the bag. Moving right along…..I am now at the threshhold of a new condition or circumstance. Actually, not so much a new way to respond but without anger. A much more thoughtful process of gratefulness. I still stumble past resistance, out of habit, but I can now roll right through it and just notice it’s there without having to stop and get reactivated into old behavior. This new one is very cool. I like it a lot. It doesn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t create any karma. It is kinda about whatever comes up just go with it and assume if it’s negative it is probably fear based and a part of a persons immediate reality. That’s it and that’s all. Slide right over the ‘stuff’ and right into the moment and without the drama. It’s really very cool.

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Isis

A woman’s band in New York. I had met them and was hanging out being a pretend roadie. Really I was more like a groupie free labor trick. But I loved hanging with people who were good at what they did and i got to play now and then when no one was around. I really thought I was better than I really was. Not that I never was. But it was a long time ago and only in my mind did it seem like just last year, or so. It turn s out that it was one of those if onlys’ that are pure mental exercise at best. the thing is this: Seems like just another example of looking back and seeing something in a different light. More like watching a replay and seeing what really was going on from a perspective of history. I think I’m cool. I thought I was cool way back then if not even cooler than I am now. Turns out maybe not so much. I’m seeing me in a new way here. I’m trying to understand why there is such a contrast between myself and the rest of the world? No joke. I’ve had very few friends in my whole life, maybe two, one for sure and I think I even made her nuts sometimes. I’ve had friends that I love dearly still but they passed on to another place when they were very young. I used to say that if they only would’ve hung out a little longer it would have gotten better. It was the 80’s and everybody wanted to be cool, even the parents were smoking pot. It was better but it was plastic. Better plastic kept the shine longer but, as always, didn’t last. But I digress. In New York where I was being a roadie I used to go up to the bandstand during the breaks and play along with the house music in whatever drum happen to be there. I know. It sounds crazy now and more than likely did then to everyone else. But Nooo! I was cool and so I guess I must have thought it was an okay thing to do. Well, now that I am looking back I can see why I wasn’t all that popular. I always put it off to that I was high and wanted to do it. So I did. What I’m talking about here is that I can see by what I do that puts people off. I can’t seem to see it at the time so It’s basically still a problem. there’s a reason no one likes me.I’m trying to figure it out. As long as I don’t take myself too seriously I think I’ll be alright. I mean it’s not likely that something is going tom set me off on a binge of self destruction as I’ve been known to do in the past. But that was then and thins is now and if ever there as something to be grateful for, it doesn’t get any better!

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Jackie’s job

So the way it looks is that in order to survive this reality and remember my purpose, I needed very tough training and I couldn’t have picked a better cast for my family drama.
It was perfect. Mom and Dad, Capricorn and Taurus. They would exemplify the basic structure of tangible existence.. Food, clothing and shelter. My sibling, a relatively normal type, was everybody else I would be up against in this life… My opposition . My Indigo being vs. humanity.

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What future?

I never had those thoughts about my future very seriously. I never filled out that question on any forms in school. Every year the same forms with the same questions and every year I left it blank. So guess what? Now that I am in my future there is nothing here. That’s not true, there’s a lot here at least in my view. I am rich with experience and thoughtfulness. I have invested in my thinking process and beginning to learn to become aware of y deeper purpose and if I’ve even come close to it……Assuming I even knew what that is. I never had a goal. I trusted in time and the unknown to lead the way. I’m not sure if I took those clues or not and still I have lived a life full of different occasions where I always just faced them head on. I didn’t have any problems with expectations unless it had to do with people so I always had a certain sense of freedom. I do have issues still unresolved about people. Other humans and I are more often closer to oil and vinegar than any permeable substance. I somehow always push them away just by saying words, I guess. I really do not know anyone that I can call a friend. I don’t know anyone I even like at least out of the ones I do know. That’s another story. I don’t know anyone except the ones that were part of another life. So that is a problem right there…..But being so isolated where I live and blowing it with my neighbors years ago when I tried to sell them some dog breath stuff because I was so desperate. they got afraid and not so friendly after that.  That’s a good example of how I seem to push people away. I always see more there than is actually there. I’d like to think I am right about them but they are surrounded with fear of no identity.

 

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More about ‘My Job’

Another newsflash! First, I got that my job was to embrace who I am and live my life out of this context. I can see how it can take many lifetimes to realize the benefits of my personal journey over time. Then I imagined the effect of many having this same information and the possibilities of that. It was much more encouraging. Then I wondered about some of the ways I can use to utilize the model, like what to do to make it real? It’s almost as bad as the ‘what’s my job’ question.Somehow the computer is involved. Probably because it’s what I do day after day after day. As long as I have a tool I need to maximize its potential in assisting with my purpose. What does that mean? I’m only guessing because there is really no way to be sure about any of this. Trusting my inner knowing, I proceed into the unknowing fringes of possible and other realities. My focus on line is You Tube, I use the comment genre as a tool to drop consciousness bombs. At first I was like many of the commenters and was very judgmental and not very nice. Then as time went by and I began to notice that my own comments had been more a viewpoint than a judgement and were much friendlier, less hostile. Now they have evolved into something like a teaching. Not to say this to stroke my ego but rather just to define my own personal progress by their substance. It wasn’t until today,July 9th, 2017, that I noticed what I had been doing. Until today I was still wondering how I was going to pull this whole job thing off. I had no clue I had been creating this avenue without even knowing. That happens a lot. Seems I have a constant stream of old tape running 24/7 in a corner of my mind and it always reminds me that I should be doing something ‘meaningful’ rather than sitting here trying to figure all this out. At the same time I can never figure out exactly what it is I should be doing. I have a certain value judgement (my mother) that is telling me these sessions I have with myself are just wasting precious time. I could be cleaning something instead of just sitting. It’s constant but I’m finally aware of it and turning down the volume. It’s always there. I am programmed to value the mundane over the profound. It is social engineering and acceptable. What I do is not any of that so it is automatically in the ‘wrong’ file. I have lived my whole life out of the wrong file according to my tribe and most other humans I have encountered along the way. It’s only been in the last decade that I’ve been able to get all this and have the opportunity to re evaluate so many things that I’ve not understood for a very long time. Lately I’ve had the grace of time to explore am secrets and answer some of the questions that I’ve been asking for my whole lifetime. It’s been some journey and done I wouldn’t have changed for any amount of money or anything else. I came into this existence with my eyes wide open and trusting my direction was pure and purposeful. While never knowing from minute to minute what that may be, I never questioned it and never even wondered why. It looks like I’m close to the exits at this point and I am looking forward to the completion of this initiation. Hopefully, I won’t need to go back to summer school this time. Then again reruns always notice what is missed the first time around. Everything is on purpose.

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First a little about me……

Then I’m going to tell you about yourself:

I guess it’s not rocket science that I knew the first thing you would say is that you didn’t have time for this kind of thing. I already knew that was coming. As far as I can tell, no one has time for this kind of stuff…..Or at the very least, choose not to take the time to go here. At he same time there isn’t much about life that is more important as far as I can tell. But isn’t that just the way it always is? It’s much more comfortable to dwell in places that are controllable at the physical level. What is interesting is that to be having this as a verbal conversation it seems to me it would probably be centered around all the training and experience people have had about all the unseen realms and how much they are in touch with the invisible aspects of their lives. Stuff like knowing your motives or sensing the phone is going to ring.
In a way, what we don’t wish to take the time for is usually the most important and intimate parts of our lives, most would rather not spend that much time reliving. It can look like judgments and negative thinking. …As you said in your last email, simply because it feels as if you may have been caught off guard and the walls come up on auto-pilot just in case. I think that’s a normal response for someone not willing to take time to investigate what doesn’t look like makes any difference.
You said you have it covered by your belief system, right? Although it has nothing at all to do with belief systems or religion or any other human created dogma. It is it’s own topic and has only to do with who you are and what you do in the eyes of your highest self, whatever you choose to call it.
It sounds to me like someone standing on the shores of a huge beautiful body of water, knowing that if you would only wade out to a deeper level you will find the fountain of youth or the cure for all human discomfort. But that may be risky if you can’t swim. Better not chance it. Better just hang in there with what you know, so far so good, right?
Life can’t go on forever anyway, what’s a few more years one way or the other as long as my security remains in tact.
If only that was the most valuable thing we had then it wouldn’t be a problem and for most it isn’t. Most don’t either have the time or choose to take the time.
I can only say that if my life was valued by monetary accomplishments at least it would look good. If only this was just about looking good.
It’s curious to me what goes on in someones mind at the last moment of life. Do they say to themselves that it was a good life and my bank account confirms that? Or might they wonder if any of that really mattered at their moment of departure? And if so, what really would be important at that very time? I don’t think it’s about material wealth. I don’t really know either. I have been very close but it was never my intention to find out.
In the last few years I’ve done quite a bit of wondering, as I get closer to the finish line.
I’m sure of at least one thing, I don’t want to have the conversation at the last go round that is all about everything I should have been working on but missed and now have to do this all over again! No! I do not want to go there or rather come here all over again to the same old same old I’ve had to suffer through for so many years. I had too many majors for one term. Having finally passed and graduated, it’s time to refocus and look towards the next step, and I am very much looking forward to this new reality of being.
It’s not so much that I’m complaining but how many times does a person have to go to summer school before they can finally complete their initiation and receive a lousy piece of paper signed by some over fed self serving capitalist who controls the futures of whole generations in his fat little fingers of whatever hand holds the writing utensil or the rubber stamp of completion. Que Vida! (What a life).
Anyway, since most people think I’m oh, let’s just call it a little strange, and the fact that I’m not nor have ever been very socially gregarious, it’s not so easy for me to make friends so almost everyone I know is from my past. They don’t seem to care for me so much either. I finally figured out that it”s not about acknowledging even more of the many aspects of who we are but the fact that I’m no longer willing to settle for that system, or being that same person. Doesn’t work for me anymore than pretending these are just regular people with issues beyond their own control. But finding new humans? Going places I don’t like to go because that’s where they are? Another big nothing burger.
The bottom line is I stay very much to myself so I have a lot of time to spend in the cerebral theater doing dress rehearsals.
All the time people spend being successful in 3D was never a part of my daily life so in a way I’ve had the advantage that most do not to explore these kinds of subjects that determine quality of life situations that operate beneath the radar and are mostly invisible. Some would say it’s a waste of time if no one can see it but that is the whole point, isn’t it? If I had to wait for approval to give myself permission to be who I was……I’d still be waiting. I know because I waited for a very long time. It never happened. I was the only one left to take ownership of me. I now am the very proud possessor of my very own human pink slip affirming this status of self admission.
And if I was waiting for any acknowledgment from anyone I am related to, I would also still be waiting.So it’s a good thing I stopped waiting, wouldn’t you say so?
I could go into a whole segment on how dysfunctional families deal with their own inadequacies by always having at least one of them, if not more, bear the entire weight of a whole family’s secret failings. You never met ‘Poor Bobby’ but he was my mother’s youngest brother who died younger than anyone else. Whenever anyone talked about him they always referred to poor Bobby. I’ve seen pictures of him pushing me around in a baby carriage in Chicago.He was kind of a nerdy 13 year old then. Poor Bobby had a hard road. All of his brothers had some sort of success but he just couldn’t compete. He was the closest in age to Sy or rather the ego walking around in a skin suit that looks like Sy.(and the silent spouse). As long as he compared himself to anyone else he would only reinforce his own shortcomings and would never overcome himself. Poor Bobby. I always liked him but he was not easy to get close to. Fear can be debilitating and insidious.
Unfortunately, you have been absorbed. It looks to me as if you have sacrificed your own identity to become the person you are now. Even in the very brief comments you write it’s as if it were from my sister. It’s hard to find a line of departure between you two. Maybe that is how it always happens with marriage, I don’t have a clue. I do know when a person looses their identity even if they don’t know that themselves. I’ve watched you become Jackie’s husband but not a version of an older Andy. Again, no clue if that always happens. I don’t even think most people notice when it does. It’s very subtle and is acquired behavior over a period of time. It doesn’t just suddenly happen but since I haven’t seen anyone I’m related to in way over 40 years, it’s obvious to me you are not the guy I used to know. Instead, now Jackie is a supersize version of herself having absorbed all in her wake. She has even brought along her childhood associates to cling to for the necessary support one would need to maintain this facade.
I suppose it’s not unusual for someones wife or husband to be defensive when they perceive their partner is being attacked or insulted but just to be clear, I get to have my own opinion about who I think she is. You can identify as her or in her behalf if you need to but this is more about a sibling thing than about you as her mate.
When we were kids at Roosevelt Park in Chicago, we were riding on the merry go round, the kind with the brass ring. Every time I got close I couldn’t reach the ring but it was great fun anyway. That is until my ever so sensitive and comforting sister laughed at me as she was telling me that my horse was stationary and never moved. She was telling me what a fool I was and how stupid could I be to not even notice.
I don’t know why I always remember that whenever I think about her? But I do remember saying to myself that this person was going to ruin my life. I knew that then as well as I knew my father would never be there for me either. Funny how life turns out.
I’m not blaming Jackie that I had problems but I can say that I could never count on her for any support growing up and actually except for some cash that turned out to be true. I won’t even go to the facts about my mother’s death and all that includes.
You seem to be angry with everything I say and do as if you were my sister. That’s what I’m talking about. You’ve been absorbed. You can’t even acknowledge that as a separate and different human being, you can’t possibly be anything other than whatever Jackie’s opinion is. To pretend I owe her anything is an insult. I would have never even considered withholding someones mother’s death from them just for spite. Or the fact that I had to practically beg for the lousy $5000 and even that took almost two years as somehow you could only spare it in payments.
It doesn’t even matter to any of you if I live or die as long as you all have it all. You all bitch and moan about a persons problems inferring that all that’s needed is to clean up their act except that’s a lie too. All that’s needed is for you all to continue stroking yourselves about what wonderful people you are and fuck the rest of em! As long as we have ours, as long as you have as much as you can get away with.
Then you have your version of God as a back up, just in case the word gets out who you both really are. A couple of empty skin suits inflated by your own hot air and false sense of what a human is supposed to be. You have the unmitigated gall to think you are so fucking superior when in fact you are judgemental synthetic failures, blinded by the glare of green paper.

I’d like to close with this last thought: I’ve attempted to have some level of communication with you. I’ve been as polite as I can be considering the above. But you cannot resist the temptation to continue to remind me of who I was and in your eyes. who I will always be. Never once have you acknowledged anything other than that. You cannot even congratulate me, can you? Because that would threaten your very image of your false lives. You can no longer assume that if nothing else, at least you are better than me. You are no better if you need to keep people down to look like you’re up.
What you are up to is another story. When you told me you couldn’t afford to even keep your word but it didn’t matter if you didn’t as long as I did. Isn’t that how it works when you are a hypocrite?
I don’t expect to hear form you because I’m not willing to deal with any more of your covert and sometime not so covert insults. You are not very clever in hiding them.
I’ve come to know you as someone I’m not so sure I even want to know. You wreak with hypocricy and duplicity you can’t pray away no matter how often you may bob your head. It’s people like you that make this world the ugly place it has become. As long as you get yours. That’s the name of the game. Call it Electrolux because it sucks and it’s invisible bags are stuffed with all of your important and expensive versions of a 99cent store, believing if it cost more it must mean something. It means your a fool for taking the bait. It means driving a Cadillac when you’re homeless. You can’t buy what you need and you have no clue how needy you are.
One thing is for sure, this time it’s not me who is full of shit.

 

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