In fact, I’ve always just accepted the notion that the major influence in my life was the father figure or lack thereof. It was all the usual stuff about not being there emotionally and rejection and blame. I’m not sure who I thought he was supposed to be but pretty sure he wasn’t who I wanted him to be. Anyway, that was just the way it always was. I didn’t like him after a while. Maybe I just turned all the hurt into anger and blame. That sounds more like it. They say that ‘depression is anger turned inward.’ I don’t think I really understood what that meant until now. That happens a lot. I hold on to random information just like I collect stuff for repairing something along the way. Like a junk drawer with tools and a purpose. At least I like to think so. For me, it brings a deeper level of involvement with substance and creativity….But I digress. It turns out my mother may have had more of an influence on my inner regulations than I’d considered before. I’d known there was stuff but once again, my thinking was fairly academic and I’d assumed it was easily explained by standard psychological terms. Maybe not so much. A good example would be he time I take to write. I automatically and always wonder what I could or should be doing instead. As if I were only wasting or killing time and avoiding the inevitable ‘whatever it is’ that I’m should to be doing that actually has value. Not to say I don’t believe it doesn’t have huge value to me personally. But there is the problem, my self worth and those kinds of issues. I find that I’m always comparing what I’m doing to something like cleaning and other domestic chores that somehow I have placed above all else in priorities and worse, stuff I don’t even care about. Go figure? There’s this old 8 track running in the background having this conversation with my subconscious and making sure I have no peace of mind. Then again maybe it’s because I’m not talking about peace of mind but rather the reasons I struggle with it? This, of course, assumes there are no coincidences and so it has to be on and of purpose. Then I have to discover the purpose. There’s never time for peace of mind, I’m always being busy using it. Reminds me of when I’m running my virus cleaner while still surfing the web.
Remembering to not think is the first thing. tthen remembering so many other things just to get going. Maybe not. Maybe if I just stay in a particular state of mind…..right. I’m going to remember that? Ok. There has to be something I can do to keep from slipping into my reality drama every chance I get. This living consciously stuff can be more difficult than I’d first imagined. It’s actually work. (I laughl) I may even be slightly hysterical in a covert sort of way. When I do the things I’m supposed to do and not play retro in my mental time machine 8 track, it’s always worth the price of the ticket, no question. But when I don’t even notice I’m paying it forward, then it is not only work but blind effort without any conscious purpose at that moment. It’s back to zero. page one, as my 8th grade educated father always reminded me. So now, 500 years later everytime I see a part 2 or higher, my first instinct is to find part 1 before I go any further.
Once again, I digress. Today I want to talk about remembering something else. It turns out everything is already going on and all I have to do is tune into the right frequency to catch a wave and ride out the day. Not as easy as it may seem on a day without any swells. So, that’s the challenge, having enough patience to wait for it.
I’ve been writing about how I think my mother is still in my ear and what’s up with that? I realized that everything is about my state of mind. I know, “No Duh!” But this one is different somehow. This one reminds me of being carefree, not stuck in the daily rituals of survival in an obligatory way. Like I should be cleaning instead of writing kind of stuff. This one has been an issue for some time and I realized only yesterday that as long as I have the same thoughts I’m going to feel the same way. So I’m changing my thoughts about something to see if that works and makes a difference. Sorry Mom, But we have different definitions of this and for myself, well it just doesn’t work for me. I remember back in the day, Toluca Lake, that was the bomb! I remember the bomb happening and it was a whole different deal. We were young and having fun. That’s the parts that are missing. There’s not a lot I can do about the young part but I can change my experience from what it is now which is in the total bummer range to an acceptible and functional state. Back then we played music all the time and I’m sure that was a factor but still, it is about a state of mind and every day I have the opportuity to make those necessary adjustments. The idea is to enjoy my life and have fun doing it. When you’re young you don’t have to think about it it just comes naturally. But in later years it may be something I have to choose on a daily basis. For many years I’ve lived out of a defensive posture as a result of the way I supported my heroin addiction. I never knew if someone might come up from behind me and try to whack my head off. It’s happened before and does get a persons attention.. these days that’s not the case. In fact if anyting life is quite the opposite. No one comes from any direction to do anything. I am almost totally isolated. If not for the fact that there’s a walking path behind my house, chances are I wouldn’t see another human for weeks at a time. At least now I can yell for help and someone will hear.
Ok. The bottom line on the subject of ‘being in the moment’. In this version I am attempting to recover a sense of purpose in the moment. The moment was way back in the day when everything was with purpose. Not to say today isn’t but it’s very different than when I was way younger and my future never got in the way of my present. Being in the moment, that is to say without being in any current drama distractions, was a no brainer. It was all there was. Today is a different story. Who knew time would become an issue? I never thought I was wasting my time no matter what I was doing. There was and is, I believe, a reason for everything and yes, I do take everything seriously. I always have and more than likely always will. I told someone that I don’t lighten up. It’s the truth I’m afraid. It’s just what I do and who I am. It’s why I keep having to remind myself to stop thinking. I am very creative and tend to make up episodes of drama from all the evidence I think I’m seeing. Roughly 9 out of 10 times I am wrong about this. However, knowing I’m always wrong doesn’t seem to hinder this habit I’ve developed. It’s possible it has come about in the absence of any external input. Or, in other words, I have no one to talk to so I play all the parts in my imagination. I’m sure it’s why I keep comming up with basically the same scenarios all the time. I wouldn’t exactly say I was a total paranoid because I’m not but I am creative and do magnify little things that can change the whole picture or the dynamice of any situation. Simply by emphasizing another aspect can do this. In a way it becomes an excersize in critical thinking. It’s probably a good thing but without the absolute sureness I tend to feel. What is also kind of strange is that even after I realize I’ve made something up, I’m not even surprized about it anymore. But, once again, I digress……
Back to what I thought I was going to discuss…….Boils down to the part about being in the now moment. I am in the process of becomming aware of my state of mind whenever I’m just sitting and thinking or writing like this. My thinkng seems to dwell on an old tape that runs in my background saying, “Do something!” The automatic presumption here is that it doesn’t appear as if I am utilizing my time in any sort of productive manner. Or, whatever thoughts I may be thinking can surly wait untill after I’m done doing something acceptible like cleaning something. Thinking is not valid. Only doing counts. Mostly I’d agree with that. My dilemma is about remembering what it felt like to have a good time without a guilty conscience. That’s it and that’s all! But noooo! Not with a person who has a brain that doesn’t turn off or come up for air. My brain is like that. I’m always looking for a ‘deeper’ meaning and wind up in an argument (with and without myself) because I think I’m always right. Unless it can be proven to me otherwise, that is. At least I am willing to compromise if necessary. But for today, my task is to experience this day with purpose and the light of openess and acceptance. Grateful for my realty as sit in the now, having always whatever I should find myself in need of and so much more than I can ever utilize in the short time I have been given to have this experience called ‘life’.There are so many different aspects of just one event that I’m quite sure I miss most of. Even when I focus on the day and the experience of it, I’m sure I miss the most obvious messages and lessons. I’m thinking this is because I am always so focused on the parts I do get that I usually forget the other stuff. I forget a lot! Not so sure why unless it’s a way to not deal with something or…..I get to use the ‘old age memory’ excuse E.ither way it goes without notice until the next opportunity to get it. At his point it becaomes more about drawing it out from the darkness of a black hole that is yesterday and recalling the event that was the reason for the response in the first place. Also for the record, it’s worth noting here that I no longer have any idea what I’m talking about.
This is the real story of my life. A lot of inside information but without any beginning or ending…….Just that constant sate of downloading and translating into a workable dialogue with my consciousness. The rewards are comensurate with the price I am willing to pay. I have a huge tolerance for debt and very little value in exemplary credit. None of it makes a big difference in my life. I have no monetary value. It is impossible to know the true cost of maintaining this status but I can tell you, it wasn’t always the easiest way to go. It required a certain amount of integrity that looks just like lack of motivation. It looked like I was just lazy and without any purpose when I had a true purpoe that was so much more valuable. still, it is a combined quatity of only what goes on behind my eyeballs and has very little value at all to anyone else.
I just saw the benefit of being in the moment and it’s so totally obvious but I never noticed before. That actually happens not just a lot but all the time. It looks like that is the program. Seems just a subtle thought, a hint of an idea is all it takes sometimes. If I take the time to focus in on one of those moments I do notice some very profound and totally obvious things that go on all the time. But they go on right bye me without notice. This one is about what I’ve been talking about lately, so it happens. I’m not so sure that’s always the case but it is this time. Frankly, for all I know it may very well be the case, I’ve never noticed before. Okay, enough about it and how it works. When I’m in the moment I’m not in any mental drama. I’m not having a conversation about what I think is going on. When that happens that’s where my attention is, in my imagination crating that story. On the contrary, being in the moment means I can’t be in two places at once. So if I’m noticing my now I can’t be tripping in my drama. Another thing. It’s about making lists and planning or rather organizing my time to accomplish whatever tasks there may be to get done. This may even be bigger! About the tasks. They take on supreme importance. In fact, they take on the exact proportion of importance that I notice I’m giving to my dilemma about always having to be doing something, thank you my mother. It’s the same stuff that goes on when I’m making a list. Hard to explain but it’s more like feeling momentary obligation as in taking responsibility. It’s very serious and I tend to dwell on either doing it or why I’m not doing it. All the time I’m spending occupied between my ears in this drama called ‘a to do list’. then include my mother in my ear reminding me to be doing something. The result turns out to be immobility and nothing gets done. Not only that moment but many moments have been utilized to wind up having done nothig. I can then use this opportunity to have a guilty conscience, if I’d like. It’s all to the same end. I waste time in my mind with stuff that doesn’t matter but it gives me a reason to never feel complete. On the other hand, when I’m not doing any of that I find myself in the present time and being able to notice what’s going on around me. These are not the same places. This is day and night and moreover it is the keys to the kingdom! Not a small thing here. In fact, this is huge. The secret is to not be thinking. I have to keep remembering that. It doesn’t seem like it would be so difficult but it is. I’m a cerebral human and I spend a lot of time in that theater. the benefit can only be realized when I forget to think about it. Go figure!
Wow! I didn’t know how good it can get. How very real it all is. I mean the part about making intention reality. It’s quite mind blowing to see it actually manifesting right in front of my face. I’m not kidding, this is some incredible stuff that’s going on right now. At first I was thinking it was just me, ya know, I guess it was an ego thing, I thought I was special. Not to say I’m not an independent being because I most certainly am but that all my life has been about being in training for now. That’s what I’m talking about. It is incredible! Or did I already say that? Can’t help it. this is all my personal intimate beliefs about life that I always had to keep to myself. The looks I got whenever I expressed my views about significant things. Being accused of being way too serious. To me, I was being thoughtful and yes, I was taking life on its face. I never liked that face, it never worked for me. My family was always there to remind me that the whole world can’t be wrong and me be right. I heard that a lot. Still, it was true that no matter how much everyone tried to goad and guilt me into subscribing to their way of life it never impressed me as anything I was interested in. The one thing that stood out for me was the greetings I always got when I showed up at a family function or a dysfunctional gathering of the tribe. No one ever said, ” Hay, how ya doing?” No, instead it was, “Hi, are you working?” When I say this always happened I am not kidding. It is no joke that that’s how they all saw me. I guess it didn’t even matter what I had to say, I wasn’t on the list of preferred invites but more obligates of some distant definition of what these occasions were supposed to represent once in the very ancient past. But I’m only guessing, at this point, if there was any purpose for the moment that wasn’t obligatory in some respect. But I digress. Today I am experiencing a way different reality. I’ve been practicing to not think (all the time) and the difference is notable to say the very least. It feels like 180% difference that shows up when I am in a state of gratefulness. I get that feeling that lets me know I am resonating big time in the space and it can keep expanding until its more than I can take . Imagine that ! Too much joy to behold in only one person. Yea, that stuff. Yowza kinda swirling of energy almost being dizzy. There’s really no way to define how it feels except to say that it is very close to that feeling in my gut when I am in love. That feeling. It is so good and so real and you know it’s true. I’m having a lot of that going on lately, it’s everywhere I turn. Everything fits and I have the part if it’s missing that completes what ever it happens to be. Can a person even imagine their life taking so radical a turn in a direction you have been actually consciously been preparing your whole life for and then here it is? It just flat showed up! BAM! I am in awe. My face cannot help but pull itself bach towards my ears and put this stupid happy grin on it. I don’t even want to try and stop it, it’s too good. It’s so whole and complete all at once. It is a the story of ‘The Pearl’, Judie Sill, and I always knew it was in that song that the truth really was. I just never knew it the way I know it now.
They say depression is anger turned inward. I was depressed for decades but never experienced overt anger. Probably as a good candidate for an ulcer. Okay, so then and after spending quite a bit of time focused on employing a mental shovel, I experienced having an angry side of my personality. I guess it was more like a release of all that pressure that was building within a reservoir created to house all the inward anger I’d been holding on to. So for awhile now I’ve been known to sort of pop off when I get mad about something. Sometimes I even yell and don’t even think about who’s attention I provoke. It’s very spontaneous and is over sometimes before i even realize what I’ve just done. ie., Whoops! I hope I didn’t say something I’m going to be sorry for because it’s already too late. The cat she is out of the bag. Moving right along…..I am now at the threshhold of a new condition or circumstance. Actually, not so much a new way to respond but without anger. A much more thoughtful process of gratefulness. I still stumble past resistance, out of habit, but I can now roll right through it and just notice it’s there without having to stop and get reactivated into old behavior. This new one is very cool. I like it a lot. It doesn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t create any karma. It is kinda about whatever comes up just go with it and assume if it’s negative it is probably fear based and a part of a persons immediate reality. That’s it and that’s all. Slide right over the ‘stuff’ and right into the moment and without the drama. It’s really very cool.
A woman’s band in New York. I had met them and was hanging out being a pretend roadie. Really I was more like a groupie free labor trick. But I loved hanging with people who were good at what they did and i got to play now and then when no one was around. I really thought I was better than I really was. Not that I never was. But it was a long time ago and only in my mind did it seem like just last year, or so. It turn s out that it was one of those if onlys’ that are pure mental exercise at best. the thing is this: Seems like just another example of looking back and seeing something in a different light. More like watching a replay and seeing what really was going on from a perspective of history. I think I’m cool. I thought I was cool way back then if not even cooler than I am now. Turns out maybe not so much. I’m seeing me in a new way here. I’m trying to understand why there is such a contrast between myself and the rest of the world? No joke. I’ve had very few friends in my whole life, maybe two, one for sure and I think I even made her nuts sometimes. I’ve had friends that I love dearly still but they passed on to another place when they were very young. I used to say that if they only would’ve hung out a little longer it would have gotten better. It was the 80’s and everybody wanted to be cool, even the parents were smoking pot. It was better but it was plastic. Better plastic kept the shine longer but, as always, didn’t last. But I digress. In New York where I was being a roadie I used to go up to the bandstand during the breaks and play along with the house music in whatever drum happen to be there. I know. It sounds crazy now and more than likely did then to everyone else. But Nooo! I was cool and so I guess I must have thought it was an okay thing to do. Well, now that I am looking back I can see why I wasn’t all that popular. I always put it off to that I was high and wanted to do it. So I did. What I’m talking about here is that I can see by what I do that puts people off. I can’t seem to see it at the time so It’s basically still a problem. there’s a reason no one likes me.I’m trying to figure it out. As long as I don’t take myself too seriously I think I’ll be alright. I mean it’s not likely that something is going tom set me off on a binge of self destruction as I’ve been known to do in the past. But that was then and thins is now and if ever there as something to be grateful for, it doesn’t get any better!