Yesterday, I was walking the dogs and on my way back Noodles decided she wanted to cross the highway! I was struck with helplessness as I watched her and screamed her name as she continued to cross. # cars had to skid to stop and the smell of burnt rubber was instant. They stopped in time and then continued on their way as I stood there in the street still in shock and aware of what just might have happened.
It occurred to me that there was an important lesson here that I needed to heed.

As I was walking back I noticed my thoughts. I was focusing on how I don’t use a leash and then I noticed how it turned into some sort of ego thing about how special that is or I am. Just that quickly my dog walked onto the highway! The message I’m getting has everything to do with my state of mind. As soon as my conscience turned inward and became my ego I lost control of my dog and she wandered off onto the highway were I was watching in terror as the cars came skidding to a halt and the smell of burnt rubber was everywhere ! It was over in seconds and I realized how quickly it happened and how I might have lost my sweet little Noodles in just an instant! It could have be a very costly message, for sure!

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Being in the state of being…..

It is glorious in those moments and are beginning to last longer and longer. It has taken some practice for me as the hardest part is not thinking. It’s a natural state for me to be in. I’d always just accepted that. It’s who I was, I thought, and why I  always seemed so different from everyone else. I was, and it was just as uncomfortable for me as it was for them. I always was glad to finally be alone.

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So far…….

I keep forgetting now. I’ve been stuck in ‘have to and should be’ lately. Not a lot of progress to report in this area. However, another important focus that is expressing itself externally is my reward for surviving the golden child! I knew if made it through this, and I knew somehow that I would, the reward had to be at least equal to he price I was paying. I wasn’t getting any senior discounts either. All things considered, I made out like a bandit! I scored big time and it was worth every kvetch the golden child could manifest and she had few if any limits.
Before I forget I wanted to note the following:
(1) “Listen to yourself” thinking and talking either to yourself or someone else without judging yourself, just listening.
(2) Explore whatever gets your attention and go with it. See where it winds up. Look around. What do you see? Is there someone there? Is it an old memory? What happened that time? Can you understand what happened differently today than back then? Are you able to take the charge out and feel forgiveness in your heart? It’s ok to cry and release all that old pressure you’ve been holding on to for all this time. Take a deep breath, hold it, then let it go! The next time you look it won’t be there.

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It’s why I always drift into autopilot where my brain is always telling to be doing something. It’s the program of avoidance. The opportunity to just be cannot compete with the thought of having to do. Thoughts are an obsticle that outweigh the etheric senses of simply being. It requires only the presence, an awareness of the moment.

I come to this realization out of a conflict in thought. I am programmed to be doing something. I’ve talked about this before as hearing old tapes running inthebackround. I thought it ws my mother. Maybe it is but it’s what she represents that’s important. It’s an assumption that we must follow the path that is expeced. Even when that path is somewhat deviatedit s basically dthe structures that are followed to be successful. that is the general expectation we seem to be born into. We don’t get to vote. Anyone who questions the program is deemed deviant in some manner. We are given very wide shoices to choose our lives path….But it’s always a controlled choice. It’s like the elections, we are given to choose the right or the left wing of the same bird that is providd by the real decision makers of the planet.


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Delores Cannon

  • I love her stuff. When she speaks about the 3 waves of people who have been incarnating since the 30’s, it defines my life and explains the why to so many questions I’ve had throughout the years. Why I could never fill out those forms about my future that were always passed out at the beginning of every year. A kind of what you want to be when you grow up questions. It was as if it was already taken care of. Somehow I knew the program they were indoctrinating everyone with was not going to be what my life was about. I had no clue what it would be about either. The question that plagued me all my life was, ‘What’s my job?’ I thought everyone ask that question. Turns out, not so much. Very few people that I’ve had this conversation with understand the question. Most answer with their dreams and ambitions of what position they would like to have or a particular job title or career. They go to schools to learn trades that will allow them to pay their way.  According to Dolores, the reason I didn’t make any plans for my future is because they were in fact already made. I did come here with a job, although it took 7 decades to understand what that job is. First it occurred to me that it has to do somehow with just living my life. But I needed some qualifiers like how or what is so special about just living your life? Then and finally it dawned on me as I’ve been doing rigourous work on my quest and that it’s about living my life out of the space of who I am! Aha! Something I can get my mind around Finally! This of course requires at least a sense of who I am and always have been. I’ve never had permission to be that person. I didn’t realize that I was the one who held that permission. As long as I waited to hear it from somewhere else it  would never come. First I had to embrace who I was, warts and all. Then I had to practice this new craft of being. That meant I had to actually be who I am in all respects. It began with the market. I turned into the crazy lady in the line who talked to everyone, anyone. Didn’t so much matter about what just to align myself with whomever happened to be in front of me or behind me. It wasn’t about their response, as it varied from person to person. It was about breaking through the invisible walls we all carry around with us for defensive purposes. Once I had achieved a certain confidence in this exercise I could go on to the next step. This was much bigger. this meant that every time I opened my mouth I had to tell the truth about whatever it was I was thinking. And I had to do it without any reservations as if what I was saying was something anyone could get. Mostly if they did get it they were silent about it but that didn’t matter either. It was never about someone’s reaction only my willingness to be spontaneous and honest. Wowza! Who knew what secret powers there were that are released through this process! It is the keys to the kingdom and I’m not exaggerating ! It has a way of releasing so much stuff that I never even knew there was. I have experienced an incredible sense of freedom I’ve not known. A freedom to be. A freedom to do what my job  has always been. To be an example of a person who has permission to be themselves and maybe make it okay for everyone else to be themselves,  because I’ve always held this back. I grew up being pounded for thinking my own thoughts and having my own take on life. At best I was accused of being way too serious. At worst I was treated like a mental case. The best thing for me to do was just don’t say anything and stay as much out of sight as possible. My relationship with life , at least around my family, was relatively anonymous and vanilla. Not to say I didn’t voice my objections as often as I had them but as a mental case, people tend to not take you very seriously anyway. That was how they dealt with their odd ball relative. The only thing anyone ever ask me if they even bothered to say hello was, are you working? That was always the question. The answer was always the same. Well there were exceptions over the years. I did have jobs here and there. But I was never really employable. I learned quickly and did various odd jobs from fry cook to maid service to retail and a lot of maintenance kind of work. I even worked for my dad at his yard so at least could tell someone I had a job. Really, it was like that. Also over the years I was a professional musician and a registered medical asst. So it’s not as if I never had a job it just wasn’t my life calling. Finally, after about 60 years, I was talking to my niece Tracy, and she immediately went into the routine and ask the question, This time I answered with what seemed to quiet her right down, I said, Tracy, I don’t work. That was the last time I spoke with her.
  • Here’s the deal. Things are appearing. opening up and expanding so quickly I can’t even keep up with it! That’s what I’m talking about. No sooner than I notice something huge when something else shows up even huuger! I know, I made it up. I’m totally blow away.
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From: “”
Subject: Andy
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2018 01:15:24 GMT

I just wanted to tell you what I’ve discovered so far. It’s about being a mench. I have realized that being a mench isn’t always so much about being a good slave to the system and following all the rules that are shoved down out throats, whether or not we are in agreement. Coming to terms with who a person is and embracing all that means, is what being a mench is. Being brutally honest to yourself about your most intimate and sacred secrets without any judgments and guilt. This ta-ki, is the em mus of your inner being where the mench in all of us lives.
I’ve had to face many hurdles along the way and push against the status que with every ounce of strength I had, just to be even a little okay with who I was. I had no agreement. I was always wrong. I lived in fantasy land, and on and on. I was accused of being a mental case because I simply could not conform to what wasn’t real to me. Needless to say, I went through truckloads of band aids trying to get from one open wound to another, one obstacle at a time. It was a kind of work most are unwilling to even contemplate. Get a job! That was the answer to everything. Except it wasn’t the answer to anything. It was simply a vote for a system I could not operate in. It is as foreign to me now as it has ever been. The only difference today is I can give myself permission to choose my own sense of what is real without having to sacrifice my own personal integrity. It is truly a gift of my lifetime. I had no idea the rewards that were on the other side of all my battles to survive without selling out. Just to be like everyone else, acceptable, regular and normal. Those words have no meaning for me anymore. They are no longer something I must do. I have achieved a state of emotional well being I never even knew existed. Everyday, as long as I am grateful for it, offers a joy I never knew was even possible. Without all the external expectations that are in that invisible contract we are forced to sign as a condition of person hood, there is a freedom that can only be known within and without.
I can’t possible share with you all the bonuses I’ve been experiencing since I was willing to face Jackie. I’m really sorry she wasn’t reciprocal, I hope someday she will be able to let go of whatever it is she believes she has to hold on to. I really do. There’s nothing I or anyone can do to make that happen. It’s an inside job and I’ve worn out many mental shovels getting here, but the pay off has been without equal.

Take care, Andy. I can only offer you one assist, that is to trust your inner voice, it is your truth. It is the only truth

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Shifting my focus from left brain list making organized chaos to right brain what needs to get done to continue functioning as smooth as possible. Taking he course of least resistance vs. putting obstacles in the path. Never completing anything vs. always in progress. It’s all about a viewpoint. If I have to do something I throw everything in the way. I hate having to do anything. I really hat e it when I’m told I have to do something! I don’t know why it is but I am a rebel in those regards. Anti-establishment to my core. In other words I am a product of the 60’s. What a time that was! I suppose once is enough but  the generations of that time have changed the world as we know it. Not bad for a decade of perceived decadence  But, once again, I digress.

I’m watching and experiencing an interesting shift in my reality as the result in a shift in my focus mentally and spiritually. I experience that feeling in my gut that only be defined as love, or rather, being in love. It’s how I can know when something is real.

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