Probably not even though it looks that way. It’s hard to always remember that whatever happens will be perfect. It always is only I don’t always see things that way….Especially when everything looks so bleak. I am thinking myself into madness fueled by fear that I see everywhere around me and don’t realize it’s my own. Worse yet I don’t even know what I’m so afraid of and that makes me even crazier. It keeps looking like I’m afraid of being homeless again and I don’t think I can survive long if that’s the case. Then again, I may not survive that long where ever I am, at least I’ll have more cash by about $200 or more that will be eaten up with just eating. I can’t bear the thought of being without another sentient life form. Life is already mean and cruel enough and although I am starved for human companionship I don’t have any, so dogs it is. Not that I’m complaining but as I get older it gets lonelier.
I can come up with hundreds of reasons, excuses, possibilities, etc. as answers to the question, ‘how come?’ as in why is it I am so obviously weird, that one…..Odd man out. All those kinds of explanations that describe people not like everyone else. That would be me alright. I’ve always been that person and I never can explain why that is except to say I’m that without question. Used to be when I was younger that I thought I was bad. It was easy to confuse the words different with bad. It’s easy to hear it in a negative way as that is the intention, isn’t it? Just by making a distinction that something different does exist it almost certainly creates a judgment of good and bad or right and wrong. It is a contrast by itself without any added verbiage. The way my mind works it inserts optional synonyms automatically. There’s always an option you might even say. Nothing is written in cement, some would put it. So it must be true that if a word is somehow offensive to someone it can easily be changed into something that would not be. This is a perfect example of unconscious politically correct language programming. Speaking in a manner so vanilla that no one can even relate to it is the ideal here. Sort of non identity language of neutrality for the sake of non confrontational communication. I suppose that’s not so bad at least until it gets extreme and overly tasteless. When it reaches a point to a place where it’s non or un distinctual I think it has gone too far…If there is no purpose than what is the point? When we reach a place of no difference it kind of removes any doubt about any doubt. Critical thinking is no longer necessary or needed as there is never any misunderstanding because everything means the same thing. Not a world I want to live in, thank you very much.
A little too bland for my taste. Give me a good argument that I can sink my teeth into any day! Now that’s what I’s call having a purpose. Making a difference is why we are here to begin with. Hopefully to improve the daily lives of those on this journey through this reality called, ‘life as we know it’.
Even though I’ve got plenty to do, if I should choose. That is the dilemma. Feeling like I should be doing something. I never know for sure what that may be either just that I’m antsy and think that’s why. Go figure? It’s like I’m not able to just be in the moment and in the space of the current now. It’s not always the case but it is more than not so. Like now, for example, it’s going on now so I’m writing about it. I’m also drawing big blanks.
I want to be grateful for the signs on the horizon….Things are looking up yes indeed. I sort of want to laugh and rub it into someone’s face but I don’t know who? Maybe just the face of pugnaciousness itself. Just the thought of the ego false flag that breeds short term flashes and rushes easily obtained by high doses of Niacin. What to do, what to do? If things should happen to turn out the way my mind is seeing it…..Well I don’t know? I guess I didn’t expect it which may be the clue of clues right there. Wanting without expecting is a humbling journey and usually fruitless but sometimes only a temporary layover. In a minute it will be back to the grindstone of expecting something else now. Ain’t that a bitch! No sooner out of one puzzle and into the next and sometimes without even a break between. Probably more times than not as it looks from here.
Some specifics: What I am learning about myself this month…..
I have huge expectations about other people. Maybe it’s not really about other people at all? Okay, it’s not. But it looks like it is, at least that’s how it seems and feels, regardless. So then, what are they about? Am I Debby and expect if I just don’t say anything that it’s all good and I should just take whatever is offered? That doesn’t even feel right! Something else in there. I do have expectations in the outcome of my gestures and I do recognize that. I give away a lot of things and expect when I need something someone will give it to me. Even if it’s just a word. Looks like I seek perfection not progress so I’m usually always disappointed in something. So it’s established that I have these kids of expectations in the outcome….That is to say that when I give someone something I expect them to be there when I need something back. Oh. I see. Hence, my disappointment when it’s not there and it’s never there either. You would think by now I’d have noticed but it took what it took. I wonder how else that is true about things I do? So, what it looks like to me is that what I really need to get with is not so much that I have any expectations of anyone else but that the ones I do have are always of and about myself. Oh. Yes. That would be affirmative.
Oh boy. Even the word provokes a response. But I had a thought today about these subtle yet profound moments. Until now I’ve more or less assumed them to be a negative on the scale of pluses and minuses. Not that I gave it so much thought about judging the judgement. It was a given, having expectations is a negative therefore being disappointed is always the conclusion…………..But maybe not so much. It occurred to me just now that maybe all expectations are not necessarily a negative? What if the expectation were about an improvement that would make an obvious difference? The resulting disappointment may be the same but the initial gesture would actually be a positive. Hmm. It is just a thought but I like it.
And I always do, that in order for all the machinery to function at it’s maximal peak it mist be allowed to move freely within its own paradigm. It’s machinery in that it requires certain factors to operate. factors can be emotional as well as physical, in fact they are mostly nonphysical at their core. Life seems to move along the same energy waves and vibrations as feelings about it do. It can explain why just thinking thoughts can be obstacles that create resistance in the flow. As water follows the path of least resistance a pebble can cause a dam effect blocking a portion of the flow, a thought is like that pebble.
Dear Christina If you didn’t do stuff to make other people feel bad you wouldn’t feel bad. Everything we think we are doing to other people out of anger and fear, is really just using someone else in your mind to treat badly because you feel so badly yourself. The problem with that practice is that we always stay in fear and anger and always notice it in everyone else. The term is projection. It’s bigger than just a simple diagnosis of a condition. It’s way more than a simple condition as it is a part of our consciousness that is always and literally in our face.